"I want to capture this moment and save it forever." He looked at her, watching the way her cheeks flushed a deep red as he brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're breathtaking. You have no idea how gorgeous you are, do you?" His voice was...
Hey guys. Well, I joined a gym yesterday. After seeing photos of myself at my wedding, it pushed me to getting back into shape. My husband says I'm perfect exactly as I am, and that's great but I would like to feel better about myself. I plan to lose 40 pounds in 5 months if I can (we will have a formal wedding ceremony in November of this year.) He says 20lbs would be plenty but I want more. I was probably about 130 pounds 3 years ago when I met him but I'd like to get back to at least 140lbs. Anywhoooo, now that I'm doing this, while I was at the gym, EVERYONE was telling me how awesome my "Tony" is. No, that's not his name. 😉 I based some of the following on that experience. I am trying not to cry as I write it, but alas, to no avail. I hope you all enjoy it.
It's been nice, being back the last few weeks. I missed this cabin. The guys finally talked me into letting my place go. It was hard since it was where Tony and I were, but I can't go back there. We lived in a lot of places so it's not like it was the only memories I had with him but to go back and look in his room as if he were going to walk out at any moment and give me a big hug, "Ha! Gotcha mom. It was all just a joke." Oh, what I wouldn't give for that to be the case. I miss my baby. I miss his voice and his sarcastic and smart personality. I went to the gym the other day to just, well just because. When I got there I was surrounded by men telling me over and over how wonderful my son was. They all talked about how he was the laughter in the place and how much they miss him. They talked about how much he had grown since joining and how much they all wish they could raise kids at least a little like him. They all told me how well I did at raising him. It made my heart swell but at the same time, I had to push back the big dry lump aching in my throat. "He was so happy." "He was amazing." "He was the coolest kid." "I hope I can raise my kid to be like him one day." "That kid had the best laugh." It was everywhere. HE was everywhere. I couldn't handle that plus going back to our home.
The dog never returned. I hope someone took him in and cared for him as much as Tony did. I asked the guys to carefully pack up Tony's room and put everything into storage, everything else, I simply didn't care. They could donate it. I can't bring myself to get rid of anything of his yet but I can't look at it either. I'm just not ready. If I even smell something of his, I think I'll fall apart.
The guys were so amazing. They didn't even hesitate. They packed it all up and put it in a room in the back of the house. They said they'd go through everything with me when I was ready but no one would touch anything without my permission. I am so grateful.
Trying to clear my head of my thoughts of Tony, I decide I'm going to go soak in the hot tub for a while. Back when I lived in Europe, I lived on the coast. The flat I shared with my kids was on the 7th floor and faced the ocean. The only thing between us and the water was a road and the beach. The perfect thing was my bathroom and bedroom. Oh, my bathroom. The tub was against the outer wall and the windows were ceiling to just above the tub with a little ledge. It would slide open so I could soak and feel the cool ocean breeze on my face and smell the salty air. I used to call it my "happy place." I would easily soak for two hours after the kids went to bed, drinking my red wine and either chatting with people back in the States or reading a book.
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