To Breathe Again

Chapter 31 - A Heart Divided

Michelle's POV

I don't know what to think. Between what's happened to Tony and the feelings I have for these three men, my head feels like it's about to explode. First, how can I possibly allow myself to feel anything other than grief or sadness when my baby has been taken away from me? On top of that, to find out that someone did this on purpose? It's my fault. How dare I think about myself at all! I am a horrible mother!

I don't even know what I feel anymore. I'm not exactly numb but at the same time, I'm not falling apart. I feel like I'm floating through the motions. I also feel guilty because I am using these men to dull the pain when it comes. How can I do something like that!? I'm not that kind of person. I'm not one to take anything from anyone, yet, I'm sitting in a cabin that is not mine and spending time with three men who could easily find a woman (or women) that is MUCH more attractive than me and is not broken.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting past pain just to have it find me again. I'm tired of thinking I'm happy just to have my happiness shattered instantaneously. I'm tired of wishing for more just to see everyone else get it instead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not envious. I'm happy for every person that receives happiness, I just wish a little could trickle my way and stick around.

Actually, I was happy. I was happy with my and Tony's little life. We were happy. His laughter would light up my day as I would listen to him play with his friends online and cook dinner for the two of us. I should have recorded it. I should have ensured I would have more of his voice to listen to.

These guys deserve so much more than this. I don't need to bring them into my crap. I need to talk to them to be sure they understand. I need to leave, maybe move to another state, away from everyone and just live alone.

"Hey there lil mama. Whatcha doin'?" Grant says, walking out onto the porch. He caught me staring off into nothing.

"Hey Grant. Um, can I talk to the three of you for a few minutes?" I ask, not able to really look him in the eye. I know that if I look at any of these beautiful men that hold my heart in their hands, I won't be able to leave. I will want to be selfish and keep them; all of them. I know now, I love them. I doubt I'll ever find this kind of love again. It's not like the first two. Clark was my escape from my parents. Manuel was my second chance and the father of my beautiful children.  He treated me well at first and I loved him dearly.  Both men, I chose to love. I chose to keep loving no matter what they did or said. These men, though, there's no effort at all. Not that love doesn't take work.  It always will, but it just doesn't seem hard at all. It's not a choice. My heart made the choice for me whether I liked it or not. So, if I look at them, my heart will shatter that much more; I guess it's shattered so much at this point it would turn to sand. I just have to get this over with.

After he looked at me for a few long seconds, he sighs.  "Sure thing Flower. Let me go find the boys." He says and walks back into the house. I pull myself up out of my chair and walk into the living room. I find a comfy chair and crawl into it, pulling my legs under myself. I feel like I need to curl in on myself, but I'm determined to stay at least somewhat strong. I have to do this, at least for them.

"Angel? Is everything ok?" Sammy says as he walks into the room. I give a small smile and nod, again, not quite looking him in the eye, rather looking more towards his neck to not be too obvious. I going to miss his sweet disposition and how fun it was to play games with him or simply read quietly together.

"Alright Baby. Something's up. Spill it." Trent says, crossing his muscular arms and sitting on the edge of a chair across the room. I can tell from his body language that he knows something's wrong. Grant sits on the couch and crosses his ankle over his other knee.