To Breathe Again

Chapter 49 - Torment and Truths

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of Suicide

Michelle's POV

"Hi there Phoenix." Trent says, while brushing the hair back from my face. "I missed you so much." He presses his lips gently to mine. "You are so beautiful and so strong. Thank you for holding on for us. We wouldn't have been able to survive without you."

I turn and look into Grant's eyes. They are full of tears. "Flower." He breathes out. "I-I just, I was so lost without ya. I needed ya so much and ya weren't there ta keep me grounded. I love you lil mama." Then he kissed me.

Finally, I look over and see Sammy crying. "Why?" He says and I feel confused. "Why didn't you hold on for me? I needed you. Why couldn't you be strong? Why couldn't you be who I thought you were?" I try to call out to him but he doesn't hear me. I look back to Grant and Trent and they are no longer there.

"No!" I cry out. "Grant! Trent! Sammy please!" I cry out. I awake with tears rolling down my face. It felt so real, their kisses, their words. I need them so much. I miss them.

I've lost all sense of time. I know that it hasn't been too long because I'm still alive. I haven't eaten anything since I was brought here, only surviving on water and I know I can't do that indefinitely. He's beaten and raped me so often that I feel like I can barely breathe. I really don't have the energy to lift myself in any way so when he comes in, he simply moves me like a rag doll into the positions he wants and proceeds to either beat me or rape me in various, torturous ways. I'm scared to know what I look like at this point nor do I really want to know the damage that has been done to my body both inside and out. Whenever he batters my body to the point of unconsciousness I look forward to my only relief from the pain, both forms; from his treatment and from hunger and thirst. I hate it when my dreams end and reality comes crashing back.  My body is more broken than I thought possible.  I can't really sit any longer due to the pain between my legs.  He's taken me in every way so I feel even more dirty than the room I'm in.

My memories are starting to feel like the dreams I have when I close my eyes now. They feel so distant yet so near at the same time. I never really deserved my men anyway, but I wanted to be selfish and hold on to the love I was receiving. I wanted to enjoy being surrounded by safety and peace. I've hurt for so long and in so many different ways, why couldn't I have that joy last just a little longer? Why couldn't I be allowed to be happy? Why do so many others have normal lives and I live this tormented one?  I feel like I live in a river of pain.  Sometimes I brush against the banks and can breathe a little but then the current just sweeps me back in and further down river.

I've lost everything. First I lost my own safety and self esteem; after my parents divorced and my dad wasn't around any longer to balance out the controlling nature, negativity, and abusive nature of my mother. On top of that, bullies and mean girls in school made things that much worse and I just felt so worthless.  Then I tried marriage and Clark left me, not for another woman, though he was having an affair, but simply for the idea of another woman. I think that hurt worse than an actual woman I could hate or compare myself to. He was basically telling me that I was not enough and he was sure there was better out there if he only looked. Then Dustin, my sweet little brother. He was doing so much better in life when he died, or so I thought. He was working in the oil field and dating, from what I understand. Clark had distanced me from Dustin at this time and I hadn't been able to start to rebuild that relationship yet. I hadn't been single for long when I got the call telling me that he killed himself. I found out that he hung himself in my parent's backyard while he was on the phone with his girlfriend. He used an electrical cord but he didn't jump off anything high. Evidently he had been drinking and passed out with the cord around his neck and attached to the carport beams. He was only 24. I was devastated. He was the only sibling I had so now I was an only child. My kids would never have an uncle or cousins to play with on my side anyway. I would never hear his laugh again. Crazy enough, Tony was so much like Dustin. Happier, but a lot like him. His laugh was almost identical and he had both our dimples and Dustin's blue eyes. After I lost Dustin, I thought I wouldn't be losing anyone else for a long time.  Wrong again. I lost the last two grandparents that meant so much to me. Then I lost Manuel basically the day he was hit in that accident in somewhat of a slow death, then my sweet little Isabella when she cut off from me.  I lost my light and joy, Tony, and finally my guys and even sweet Henry that had become an adopted brother of sorts. Now, it's all gone. Everyone I've ever loved. Everyone I've ever fought for or tried to give my heart to, gone.

Since I've lost the rest, I hope that my body gives out soon. I just want it to end. There's no point in breathing any longer. I would end it myself if I had anyway to do so, or the energy, but Clark seems to want me alive just enough to torment me and have a way to punish me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong. I still don't understand him. I guess he expected me to simply sit in a room and wait for him to use me however he saw fit. I still don't quite understand his hate other than him being psychotic. There has to be something wrong with him. Why do I keep getting the mental ones? Poor Manuel. It's my fault that he is the way he is. Before the accident, he had a happy life but because he met me, Clark caused him harm that he will never recover from.

Clark and I had a few moments here and there when we were happy but they were short lived.  It wasn't like my relationship with Manuel.  I really was in love with Manuel and he was in love with me.  With Clark, I was always on high alert expecting a mood swing. He was never abusive physically before other than the time he held me down in the hallway of our apartment. He was drunk and he thought it was funny to hold me down while I screamed to be let up. Or when he would wake me up in the middle of the night right before early college classes the next day because he was bored and wanted me to watch TV with him.

As my thoughts wandered, the source of most of my pain walks in. He stands at the door breathing heavily. I'm not sure what's in store for me this time and I really don't want to find out. He throws something near my cot and I try to follow it with my eyes. It's large and somewhat round but I can't quite make it out. It rolls very little so it's not some sort of ball. He flips the bright lights on in the room and I squeeze my eyes against the harsh change. Once I'm able to flutter them open, I see him staring at me with a serious face. There's blood all over his clothes and hands and I see a large machete in one of them. I'm scared but at the same time I hope that maybe he'll end my suffering now and I can be at peace. I follow his eyes to the object he threw at me and a raspy scream comes from my soul as a severed head comes into focus. Daisy's lifeless eyes stare up at me from the floor. Her hair is matted and covered in blood. Her face was badly beaten but she's still recognizable.

My eyes quickly jump back to Clark and I'm met with the most cold and evil smile I've ever seen. "It's a present." he says to me. He walks over to the cot and sits down. "You've been such a good girl for me the last couple of days. I thought you could use a friend." He waved his hand back to her. "She's kind of quiet but at least you'll have company especially now that she won't have a choice but to be nice to you. Don't get too rowdy down here you two." He laughs and walks out, locking the door behind him. I'm left with her face staring up at me. I can almost hear her telling me how this is all my fault and how happy she was before I walked into Grant's life, that she could've made him happy.

Suddenly, I feel bile coming into my throat and I heave onto the floor. Only a trickle of water and stomach acid comes up. It burns my throat and mouth but without water, there's no soothing the pain and taste. I push myself as far from the head as possible, up against the cold wall. My body screaming in pain as I do so.

When we rode down the elevator to the lobby on that fateful day, Daisy told me that she was the only one who had always loved Grant. She told me that he didn't need my brokenness in his life. She said that I would bring him down and that she wasn't willing to stand by and watch that; that I was a threat to all of those around me. I was..., I am toxic and, well... worthless.

I look down to see her accusing eyes staring back up at me and find myself sobbing. I sob for the life she lost. I sob for the pain I've endured. I sob for my kids.  I sob for the sadness my men will go through. I sob for the darkness lurching in my future.