To Breathe Again

Chapter 51 - Fractured Reflections

Michelle's POV

I feel like I'm just floating. No emotion or deliberate thought wants to enter into me. At this point, I think I would like to even feel sadness. I don't like the numb feeling. The only thing that seems to go through my mind is the amount of physical pain I'm in. It was only a day or so after I was admitted into the hospital that I awoke in a room full of people. It was extremely overwhelming after being in complete silence and alone for over two weeks. I found out that that was the amount of time Clark had me, 17 days. Seventeen days of my life stolen. Meh, another stripe on the tiger, right? Everything else was taken from me, why not time? I know that I have the guys back, but do I really? I'm used and broken. My body has been crumpled up and stepped on. I feel dirtier than the trash in the garbage and that's not just from not having taken a shower yet. It's the way I feel from the inside out, it's just that my outside pretty well reflects the inside.

The doctor came in after a few days and explained all my injuries. He listed off one injury after another. I could barely keep up. They were most concerned about my heart, kidneys, and liver functioning. They were still doing a lot of tests to ensure they were working properly. Due to the fact that I had no food and so little water for so long, evidently those are the first to be affected. In addition to the impacts of neglect, the physical injuries he inflicted on me were pretty severe. They had to do a full hysterectomy which means I'll never be able to have children again. The worst part was hearing about the loss of my baby. My baby. I didn't even know he or she was in there. Maybe if I had known, I could've tried to protect him better. I should have been stronger and fought back harder. I failed him... or her. I failed someone else and I hadn't even had the chance to meet them. I know the guys probably hate me, at least a little bit, for allowing their child to die. I can't imagine the disappointment when they heard about their loss.

I'm supposed to leave the hospital today. I don't feel excited about it. You would think I'd be thrilled. I'm not. I don't know what to do, what to say, where to go, or even what to think at this point. I should probably find another place to live. I doubt I still have my job after being gone for so long. I don't know. I haven't heard from Chester. I haven't really heard from anyone other than Grant, Trent, or Sammy. Well the cops had to come in and talk to me. Yeah, that was fun. It's not surprising that I haven't seen many people. I've never been very close to my family. My dad's side all lives in other states, including my dad. He's awesome but he has one major fault and that is staying in touch, so I'm not upset with him at all. If that's his only fault, I have to overlook it. My mother's side has already kept to themselves, or at least as a group, they mainly only do things together. She only has one brother and he and his kids share activities but they don't ever include me. I don't think it's intentional. It's just a natural process of them getting together as their own little family. It's not their fault that I don't really have a family to get together with... at least not anymore.

I had an ideal family at one point. Manuel was amazing and my kids are so beautiful. Our house was filled with laughter and love. I have so many photos of us smiling and videos of us playing with the children. I remember one video where Manuel is twirling around in circles. Tony is on his back, held by one arm, and Isabella is in his other arm on his front. They are squealing with joy as he spins. He looks at me and smiles and says, "I'm an Oreo." I laugh from behind the camera and reply, "You're the creamy center." It was a little piece of heaven.

Now, it's just me. I don't really want to go back to the cabin and have the guys look at me with either hate for losing their child or pity at my brokenness. I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to take care of me, simply because we were together when it happened. They've been really quiet when they come to stay with me. They've stayed less and less over the last few days. I imagine there's only so much silence you can take. Clark was right, I'm really not able to give anything of value to another human being, not anymore. I don't have anything to offer them. I bring nothing to the table worth having. I can't have them stuck with me. I've failed them and I won't continue to do so. I guess it's good that I feel so numb. I can make this decision with my head rather than my heart. I'll go with them today, simply because I don't have the energy to fight it but once I get there, I'll start looking for a way out. I should have enough saved to get a little studio. I'll sell most of my things and store Tony's. I'll move out and they can move on with their lives without feeling guilty. If they'd lost me to Clark, that would have been hard but to break-up because I'm too messed up, well that's what happened with me and Manuel so if I can get over that, they can as well.