You couldn't stop hugging her, feeling her heart beating against yours slowed your rhythm way down and you've never felt more at ease, maybe in your entire life. Sure, there were hundreds of questions you wanted to ask, but you had been so tired and overwhelmed, content to just hold her and have her hold you back.
It was like this piece finally fell into place and after everything with your years of fighting, for your life mostly, and losing Sam, you felt like you needed something to hold onto. Something, or someone in this case, that silently reminded you, you were once just a regular girl playing in the woods and not a murderer or thief.
She eventually moved you both over to one of couches for a cuddle and you clung to her like you were afraid she'd disappear again without a goodbye. You're pretty sure you fell asleep for a few minutes at some point, just listening to the sound of her heart beating and her quiet breathing.
She played with your hair while hugging you back with her other arm, using that hand to caress your back up and down with the tips of her fingers. She gradually explained everything that had happened – why they had to run, how she was forced into the Black Widow program, SHIELD finding her and how she only reunited with Yelena and her parents not long ago, having thought they were dead. And the second she moved into the tower, she had two rooms set aside for you and Yelena whenever you two would visit. She always knew that if she had found Yelena, wishing she had looked sooner, then maybe you were out there too.
You felt guilty because you knew your caretaker, and yourself for the most part, worked hard to keep you hidden and nameless. 'Keller' was all she knew, and it wasn't like your birth certificate existed, so it might as well have been made up.
"And when you stole from Tony," She told you, not a hint of judgment or disdain in her tone, mostly just affection, "SHIELD was already going after you and had put someone undercover to get on your team, so when you hit a little too close to home, that's when I doubled my search efforts – because I just had a feeling you were the woman in that group on the security footage."
You didn't chime in all too often, content with just letting her speak, and you felt like she was reading you a story of her own life and the beginning and end was how it intertwined with yours.
The thing about your life is, you wish you could forget everything between the day before she left and right now. You didn't want any of it, didn't learn any valuable lessons besides common knowledge, and it was filled with pain and suffering. If you could take a pill to forget everything in between, you wouldn't hesitate. You hated yourself for what you did, but you were so out of your mind with the ups and downs of being on the drugs your caretaker supplied and you got addicted to, that you didn't know how to stop.
They're sedation pills. That's what you call them anyway, not knowing their technical name, because they would calm you down and give you a sense of normalcy as you functioned in the world. But when you're coming off them, you get agitated and angry – having episodes of rage that flow through you and make your mind numb. You can't control your own body it feels like, so you seek out your caretaker again and in exchange for a 'job' he gives you more, sending you off into the world to do whatever you like. Eyes on you at all times, of course.
You've impersonated FBI agents before to get information out of Hydra that the cops wouldn't know to look for in the criminals they've arrested, and your caretaker would hate it if they did. You would be given a badge and a backstory, a whole file made up on yourself, and you'd go into the FBI, claiming jurisdiction or some shit, before you took to the interrogation under the name Agent Keller.
It wasn't always like that, sometimes it would be a theft that had you bringing massive amounts of money to a drop site. In your own twisted mind as you did the job, completely off your meds, you would assume you got to keep the money. For whatever reason. It also made you paranoid and your body would heat up to intense levels that an average person wouldn't be able to survive. Your heart would pound erratically in your ears, and you would have excruciating headaches that drove you to the brink of insanity.
But then you were given medication.
And everything seemed a little brighter...a little less grim.
You could sleep through most nights, not sweat through your clothes during the day, and think properly. It left you exhausted, and you would have flashbacks to what you had done, making you sob and scream, but at least you felt like yourself again...right?
Your medication had already been wearing off when you had gotten to the hospital where Sam had been, it's why you freaked out at the doctors, and in the van with Agent Hill, you hit a tipping point. But those tipping points usually sent you into an exhaustive state after, giving those around you an unknown glimpse to the real you. The one who didn't want to murder or take from others, the one who just wanted a normal life.
You were about to hit another tipping point soon and you needed to get your medication.
But there was no way to do that now that you've been arrested and are under the watchful eye of the avengers and the people in their tower.
"I'm so happy you're here and you're okay. I've got you."
You tensed under that because while you were here, you were far from okay, you could sense the familiar nips going through your veins like your body was preparing for a fight.
"Natasha," You sat up to face her better and she frowned at how you said her name, "I'm not-"
"Oh, Romanoff!" Someone sang through the room as the elevator doors dinged open and you immediately pulled out your dagger in response, your eyes darting to the man who hadn't noticed you yet, "Are you still waiting on your friend or are you free? Steve wants to talk to you about – oh, hey, how's it uh, going?" He came over with an unsure smile, offering his hand before he snatched it back at the sight of the blade in your hand, "Yeah, okay, um, well, I'm Sam. Good to...meet you."
"Y/n, where did you hide that?" Natasha's use of the name you hadn't given out since you met her and her sister had you softening, letting her take the knife from you, "Oh my god, you kept it?" You didn't respond as she examined the worn-out handle, muttering to herself, "I can't believe you still have it."
You nodded slowly, your focus still on the mystery man, but then you remembered Agent Hill saying something about her friend Sam. And that was before you lost your Sam.
"Bruce said he needs to see her for more tests – he found something...hard to explain," Sam continued slowly, almost afraid you'd attack him for it, "And Steve wants to talk to you...I think he wants to ask if it'd be too soon for her to meet Bucky. Thought it might help."
"Who the hell is Bucky?"™ You furrowed your eyebrows, turning back to Natasha.
"He's – shit, sunshine, you're sweating."
Your frown deepened, not noticing what she called you because at that moment, you realized you had been clenching your fists and your body was on fire.
"Shit," Sam muttered, but it sounded far away, "I'll get Banner."
He turned away to make the call and Natasha put her hand on your back gently, saying something to you, but everything was going fuzzy, and you had a feeling you might lose this one. The fear of not having a fix – your medication – made you realize that they could lock you up in a padded cell, but your own body would just eat away at itself until your heart exploded. You could already feel it pounding in your chest and it was only going to worsen.
