Eren Pierce Salazar

Kabanata 28

''How's your feeling right now, Maria?'' My psychiatrist asked me.

My fingers were tapping the armrest of the couch while I was thinking. How's my life after living here in New York? I bit my lower lip and breathed deeply.

My life?

''It was very hard...How can I describe this?'' I asked in a low tone, but my psychiatrist smiled at me.

''Uncomfortable yet feels so right?'' he asked me.

I was slightly shocked, but then nodded. ''Yes... I---I felt like there's something I should have fixed first before leaving, running like an idiot-scared little girl''

He nodded. ''Well, yes, sometimes we should fix things we are having a hard time with immediately, but that fixing is just applicable to those who are dying. You aren't dying, Maria. You are still in good physical health, I mean. Don't rush things, especially when God is still letting you live here in this world. Things, specifically problems, should not be rushed. There are things that we should fix first before leaving to make ourselves comfortable, but, Maria'' he looked into my eyes.

''The word comfortable—don't make it a narrow word. Living in an uncomfortable environment every day will make you comfortable. Don't rush just because it will make you comfortable. You'll be comfortable with things if you're used to them; you just need to make better decisions so the comfort will last a long time, and that's being ready. Healing yourself first in an uncomfortable time, situation, and place will make you comfortable if you get used to it, and that comfort will make you better able to fix those things you thought should be rushed to make you comfortable. And what's so bad about running? People get scared, and that's normal. It's normal to run and leave if it's hurting you, and if you're ready, come back. That's normal'' his shoulder went up and down. ''Do you know what's not normal, Maria?''

''I---I don't know...''

''Running, leaving, and not coming back to fix what was the root problem of everything. And after you fix it, it ain't running anymore, you weren't running and leaving, you were just preparing. If you don't fix the root, you'll be really dealing with the plant that would grow from that root''

After my session with my psychiatrist, I felt lighter, and my heart felt lighter. I went to the mall to buy books. Pinabibili kasi kami ng proof namin, for other sources and told us to read. He gave us the author and version.

I was minding my own business when I heard a familiar voice that I didn't expect to hear.

''So, you want this, my baby? Or do you want this? It has a lot of colors and letters!'' My heart felt like it had been thrown a bomb and exploded. I felt myself shaking a little bit. A little bit nervous, anxious, embarrassed, and hurt... Nasasaktan ako kasi hindi man lang ako makalapit sa anak ko. Nahihiya ako... Hiyang-hiya ako...

Napasilip ang ulo ko sa kabilang shelf, sunod ng akin. I was peeking, and my heart went wild when I saw Eren... He was using a baby carrier... He moved a little bit and gave me a chance to see my daughter's face. It felt like someone kicked my heart, and I started to tear up.

My baby...

''Nak, this one? Do you like this one? There are also animals in this book.'' He was enjoying himself picking a book for a child. Halata sa mukhang nakangiti. It melts my heart to see Eren so happy with our child.

Pinapanood ko lang sila at mukhang hindi ako nararamdaman ni Eren; he just kept on choosing books for a baby and sometimes asked Erin as if our daughter would answer him. My eyes were thorns to my daughter when she suddenly looked at me, habang ang ama niya ay nakatalikod sa akin. I smiled at her; my body was shaking. Oh, how I wish to hold her without feeling scared and embarrassed. She giggled, and my tears fell, pero agad akong napatalikod nang biglang humarap si Eren. I saw his eyes widen before I turned my back on them and walked fast