Stigma || Kim Namjoon

46

We kept running and running as we were holding hands.
We didn't even know exactly where we were going.
We just let our legs lead the destination.
We just wanted to go anywhere far from this country.
At least out of the city until we would find a way to get out of this country.
I was carrying the bag.
We only took one bag so it'll be easier for us to run.
My mind kept thinking non stop. 'What should we do now?' I thought to myself as we were still running.
'Namjoon let's slow down a bit. My legs are getting weak.' You said saying a word after each breath you took.

'We have to keep going. We don't have time.' I told you as I was still holding your hand dragging you.
'But I can't run anymore.' You whined as you pulled your hand. You stopped and tried catching your breath.
I secured the bag over my shoulder and crouched down in front of you as my back was facing you.
'Get on my back.' I told you. 'No I can walk but just wait for a minute.' You said.
'Soo Yun, get on. We need to leave quickly. We don't have time.' I told you. You wrapped your arms around my neck from behind. I stood up and you wrapped your legs around my waist as I held them tight so you won't fall back. I kept running and running.
I vividly remember thinking to myself 'We can't get caught. It's my fault that we are in this situation.'

All I felt at that moment was regret, guilt and fear. I regretted not listening to you.
I felt guilty that I dragged you into this mess.
I felt fear because I didn't want us to get caught.
Once I stopped to take deep breaths
I heard you crying.
I didn't notice because I was running and the wind blocked the sounds out.
I just heard the sound of the wind.
You immediately got off of my back and sat on the ground.
'Soo Yun, what's wrong?' I asked you.
'Do you really think we can get away?' You asked.
'I don't know. At least we'll try.' I said honestly as I sat next to you.

'I keep convincing myself that we'll find a way out of here but deep down inside I know that I'm lying to myself.' You said through your tears.
It broke me. I hate seeing you sad or cry.
Every tear that falls down your face felt like a hundred knives raining on me.
It kills me to see you cry.
I started crying.
More like sobbing.
I was acting strong for a very long time And tried to act strong for you. 'Namjoon, I'm sorry.' You said.
I could tell that you were shocked by my action.
You scooted closer to me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around your waist and cried on your shoulder.

It was my duty to be the shoulder for you to cry on not the other way around.
'It's ok. Whatever happens to us just know that I love you and we're meant to be. Even if we part physically we'll always be together by heart.' You said softly.
I nodded. 'I love you too. Let's go.' I told you as I raised my head and wiped my tears.
I stood up and extended my hand for you to grasp to help you stand up. You took my hand and stood up.
I wish that I was able to hold your hand and never let go of it but I couldn't.
My head suddenly shot towards the sound of a trigger being pulled.
'Stop where you are and don't move!' Someone yelled. I knew that it was over.

I hugged you and held you close to me.
I held you so tight that your face was buried in my chest. I didn't want you to see them and get scared.
I saw that both of us were surrounded by about 15 police officers.
All of them held their guns in front of Their faces aiming their guns at us.
'Namjoon... let go of me.' You said quietly as you were trying to remove your face from my chest.
I didn't say anything but kept holding you tight.
'Let go of each other this instant!' One of them yelled. I didn't listen.
'If you don't we'll shoot you!' He shouted.
I hesitated at first then let go of you
for your own good and to keep you safe.

Two police officers pulled you away from me as another two held me back.
The look you had in your eyes broke me.
I'll never be able to forget it. That was the last time I held you.
Once we were found guilty my heart broke.
It's fine with me to go to prison
because it's my fault but you didn't do anything.
The judge said that both of us were selling illegal things and there isn't proof that you're innocent.
I'm sorry and I love you.

To: Soo Yun
From: Namjoon
September/9/1941