I had a shitty day today. I'm just gonna say it.
I was getting yelled at all fucking day and I was forced to be in a parade-I hate parades-and I kept fucking up everything I did-at least that's what my dad said. I didn't really care, I was just pissed at him-I was left to do dog chores by myself and got done at 2pm. I still had horse chores and cat chores to do and there was a graduation at the venue.
When I went to do horse chores, Ritzy (one of the horses) was screaming at me. Like, full on wouldn't stop. He also kept kicking the door of the stall. I got him hay and water-which took for fucking ever because he wouldn't get out of my fucking way-and then went to go take care of Galaxy. (The other horse)
I got Ritzy everything he needed but he still kept fucking screaming at me and stomping and kicking. I had never seen him this upset in my life until just then. He sounded like a crying baby. Get it? Commitment issues? I got very angry and yelled something along the lines of, "I'm not a natural caretaker," 'I don't want to do this anymore.' Commitment issues.
I went to go give Galaxy his hay, but I couldn't open his feeder, so I used a hay net instead and then broke his stall door and wasn't strong enough to put it back. Two months worth of build up, plus everything that happened today, with the addition of commitment issues and breaking the stall door ended up making me have a panic attack. It was the first one I've had in like two months-which is a long time for me, considering I used to have them twice a week.
Strangely enough, my first thought was to call Lee, but I didn't want to bother him so I called Mia instead (That was after the worst if it passed) She didn't know what to do, so I just called my dad to help fix the door. Actually, side note: I yelled at Ritzy while on call with Mia and I think that's the first time she has ever heard me yell like that. Anyway, I started going off again after that and my dad tried to touch me and made it worse, so he left. I did end up calling Lee because I didn't know what else to do and damn, I should've went with my gut and called him first because he helped a lot.
Strangely enough, I had no suicidal thought during this panic attack. Though, I did cut myself today, so that's a thing. The panic attack wasn't that bad since I caught it pretty early, but man did I want to have it. The rush of familiarity and stability came crashing onto me like a tidal wave. I could actually feel emotions that were real and oh, how I missed them. But, I reached out for help because I'm supposed to be getting better.
I had been trying to get better for Mia so life would be easier, but there's a funny little thing about my life. I had also been trying to live for Mia, too. I'm not sure I want to live for her anymore.
