Dan texted me the the first time since April.
One time my mom said that if my step dad died, she wouldn't mourn, she would just get really angry at him and the general inconvenience that his death would cause.
Her form of coping with sadness is just turning it into anger instead. I try not to do that because it hurts the people I love. I like to find distractions instead-not to distract me from the pain (mostly) but to make me feel happy while doing things I enjoy.
Thinking about it now, I can really understand why she does this.
I'm mad that he stopped liking me when I started liking myself, I'm mad that he always sent mixed signals, I'm mad that he could never make up his fucking mind about how he wants me to act, I'm mad that he hasn't even looked to me for 5 months, I'm mad that he talked to Ahnen about me, I'm mad that I sat up at night wondering if he was going to text me, I'm mad that he seeped into my dreams, I'm mad that his entire personality is changing, I'm mad that he could go on with his life so easily without me in it, im mad that he never thought about me, I'm mad that he just up and left so easily, I'm mad that I shut down every time I hear his voice and see his face, I'm mad that all of the things that made me like him are changing, I'm mad that I wasted so much time thinking about him, I'm mad that this seems so utterly stupid in my brain, I'm mad that he was a bad friend to me, I'm mad that he made it seem like he cared about me, I'm mad that he couldn't communicate his problems, I'm mad that he made this all seem so minuscule that I didn't tell anybody about it, I'm mad that this has taken such a toll on me, but most of all, I'm mad that I still miss him.
I'm mad that as soon as he texted me, my face lit up and I dropped everything I was doing to talk to him, I'm mad that I still have think about his embrace at night, I'm mad that his voice still warms my heart and brings color back to my face, I'm mad that he's not the same person he was before but I still can't let go of him.
