I have turned to mania.
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I wrote that yesterday right before having some very strange experiences. I was trying to sleep when all of a sudden I started smiling like a crazy person and then crying, immediately went stone faced and stopped. I flipped to rest on my other side and then my hand started moving against my will. It was doing this finger tap thing and after like, 10 seconds, I sprung up in my bed.
I didn't feel like myself at all. I didn't remember my name, my age, or anything I had done that entire day. I lay back down and when I looked at my hand, it looked like it belonged to someone else. I yanked the blanket backwards to make sure it was connected to my body-it was. Then, something odd happened. Against my will, my other hand went to hold that hand and it felt like they were two different people. I was reluctantly holding my own hand, thinking that it wasn't mine.
I don't know what's happening to me. I don't think I hate myself anymore, though. It seems the more demented I get, the more I seem to feel like myself and except myself. Does that make me a psychopath or a sociopath? I looked up the difference the other day, trying to figure out myself as a person. I think I'm a psychopath.
Just took some online quizzes.
Probably a psychopath.
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I'm changing quite a bit as a person. I know that I'm embracing my crazy nature more. The other day I went into a deep dive about Albert Fish, psychopaths vs sociopaths, and how much ibuprofen it would to take kill me.
Also, my hallucinations have been getting worse. Probably everyday I hallucinate my dad calling my name. Two days ago, when I wanted to fall asleep, I hallucinated that my blanket turned to water and I started drowning. The water was crushing me and going in my mouth. I was gasping for air and desperately trying to get the blanket off of me. Just a couple hours ago I hallucinated Katherine and Oaken's voices outside the camper and completely thought it was them and went out to meet them. They weren't there.
My urges have been getting really bad as well. I'll be going somewhere and then think, 'it would be so easy to run away right now,' start to leave to run away, and then realize I don't have any money with me and go back only because I don't have money. Yesterday, in the shower, I technically tried to kill myself. I thought, 'I should kill myself right now,' and then I started breathing in water. It didn't work that well because I threw it up.
I didn't even think twice about me "trying to kill myself" yesterday. I don't even think about when I self harm anymore. I didn't realize how much I self harm until Mia started keeping track of hers. I know that it's been at least three days in a row. Yesterday I self harmed on three different occasions and didn't think anything about it until just now.
I've been doing a lot more laughing recently.
