Read all the way though before you comment. Strap in, it's a lot.
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I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE FUCKING POSITIVE ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND SEEING THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS AND POSTING POSITIVE THINGS ON WATTPAD INSTEAD OF RANTS AND SMILING AND TALKING TO PEOPLE AND BETTERING MYSELF AS A PERSON AND PRETENDING LIKE THIS DOESN'T HURT BUT I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING.
I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT BUT MY LIFE IS A MESS. IT'S A FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND NOBODY KNOWS HOW BAD IT GETS BECAUSE J DON'T FUCKING TELL ANYBODY TO SPARE THEIR FEELINGS. YOU CAN GO AND SAY YOU CARE AND YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME RANT BUT I HAVE BEEN AND NO ONE CARED.
I DON'T BLAME YOU BECAUSE I DON'T TREAT YOU GUYS AS WELL AS YOU SHOULD BE TREATED ANYWAY. LIYAH'S STRUGGLING WITH A POSSIBLE EATING DISORDER AND ALL I'M DOING IS GIVING HER ADVICE SHE WON'T LISTEN TO. AT LEAST I'M TRYING BUT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT TRYING THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT RESULTS.
YEAH, NOW THAT I START TYPING IN ALL CAPS YOU CARE BUT WHEN I SAID I WAS GONNA KILL MYSELF NOBODY BATTED AN EYE. NOBODY EVEN COMMENTED ON THE STORY ABOUT THAT. MIA HAD A PANIC ATTACK OVER IT BUT DIDN'T TELL ME UNTIL AFTER I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF. I KNOW SHE WAS WORRIED BUT THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO COULD HELP ME WAS LEE. YEAH, I'VE NEVER CRIED IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS BUT AT LEAST SHOW ME YOU CARE.
IT GOT SO BAD THAT I CONSIDERED ADMITTING MYSELF INTO A MENTAL HOSPITAL OR MURDERING MY FATHER. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW SERIOUS I AM WHEN I SAY THAT. I'VE BEEN LITERAL SECONDS AWAY FROM KILLING MY FATHER.
YES, MY LIFE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND EVERY TIME I SAY THIS SOMEBODY TRIES TO ONE UP ME WITH THEIR OWN LIFE AND INSTEAD OF GOING ON A BIG LONG TRAUMA RANT I JUST SAY THAT WHAT THEY WENT THOUGH WAS HORRIBLE AND THAT I'M SORRY FOR THEM AND I'LL BE HERE FOR THEM IF THEY NEED TO TALK AND IT ENDS WITH THEM THINKING THEY HAVE THE WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD.
THAT IS SOMETHING THAT I HATED ABOUT MYSELF AS A KID WITH A PASSION. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD THE WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE SEPARATED AND HATED EACH OTHER AND I HAD TO MAKE A THREE HOUR DRIVE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND HAD TO TRAVEL ON HOLIDAYS AND MY DAD DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OTHER THAN MY HAIR COLOR.
MY LIFE WAS SO EASY BACK THEN. IT WAS ONLY TRAUMA ON THE HOLIDAYS, PEER PRESSURE FROM MY FATHER, GETTING HIT FROM TIME TO TIME, BEING SHOOED AWAY, ETC. MY LIFE GOT EXPONENTIALLY WORSE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FIRST FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE. I THOUGHT I HAD THE WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD BUT SPOILER ALERT! EVERYONE EVER THINKS THEY HAVE THE WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD.
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU GO AND TRY TO ONE UP MY TRAUMA, REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE STORIES THAT I WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE, AND FRANKLY, I PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.
I DON'T COMPLAIN OR MAKE NEGATIVE LIST, I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP MY FRIENDS WITH THEIR ISSUES, I PUT THE PAST BEHIND ME AND DON'T VENT TO PEOPLE FOR THEIR SAKES, I PUT ON A SMILE EVERYDAY AND ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT'S NOT, I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THE RINGER NOT TO FEEL PAIN, AND MIA IS CRYING ABOUT A LITTLE BIT OF CHANGE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SAY THAT BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD BUT IT HAS TO BE SAID. I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD. IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT THE ACTAL REASON YOU'RE CRYING SO THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP.
I KNOW IT HURTS, BUT I HURT TOO. EVERYBODY FORGETS THAT. EVERYBODY FORGETS THAT I FEEL THINGS BECAUSE I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M FUCKED UP BUT THEY DON'T KNOW HOW FUCKED UP I AM AND THEY JUST TAKE IT AS A FACT JUST LIKE WHEN LIYAH SAYS SHE THREW UP AND NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO HELP.
I WROTE AN ENTIRE SONG FOR YOU ABOUT YOU SELF HARMING AND HOW IT SEEMS LIKE THE PERSON YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU DO THAT IS YOU. I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY MY FAULT TOO. YOU PROBABLY DON'T ONLY THINK OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU CUT. YOU PROBABLY THINK OF ME.
LEE TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY TO THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE K CARE ABOUT BEFORE I TRY TO KILL MYSELF BUT THAT WAS THE PROBLEM;I WAS. I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL OF YOU. I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW IF MORE PEOPLE CARED, I WOULDN'T BE THERE AND THAT IN MIA'S MIND I WAS DEAD ANYWAY, SO WHY WOULD IT EVEN MATTER?!
MIA, I KNOW THAT IT HUTTS BUT I HAVE HURT EVERY DAY OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE AND I'M THE ONE WRITING A SONG TO YOU ABOUT HOW ME LOVING YOU ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU TO STOP CUTTING YOURSELF BECAUSE WHY? YOU FEEL EMPTY? FILL YOURSELF WITH LOVE. IF MY LOVE WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. YOU HAVE AN ARMY OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN AN INSTANT IF YOU CALLED. I HAVE LIKE 8.
I KNOW IT'S NOT MY PLACE, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU AREN'T GRATEFUL FOR THAT. MAYBE YOU ARE BUT YOU DEFINITELY DON'T SHOW IT. I SHOW THAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY. MOST DAYS I EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD. I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY SHITTY ASS FUCKING LIFE.
I KNOW IT HURTS, BUT HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED TO WONDER IT GETTING HURT ISN'T A BAD THING!? YOU WERE SO SCARED TO LEARN TO RIDE YOUR BIKE BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID OF GETTING HURT AND NOW YOU LOVE IT. THIS IS WHY I HAVE NO REGRETS IN LIFE. EVERY SINGLE THING EVER COULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE NOW.
I KNOW THAT MY DAD ONCE STARVED ME FOR A WEEK WHEN I WAS LIKE SEVEN, BUT THAT TAUGHT ME DISCIPLINE AND HOW TO BE STUBBORN AND WITHOUT THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED AND I'M GRATEFUL. YEAH, I WAS TAUGHT SALES PICH AND BUSINESS STRATEGIES WHEN I WAS FIVE WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO BACK TO MY MOTHER, BUT THAT SHOWED ME HOW TO GO UP AND TALK TO PEOPLE AND WITHOUT THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE MET YOU AND I'M GRATEFUL.
I AM FUCKING GRATEFUL FOR MY SHITTY ASS FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE I LET BYGONES BE FUCKING BYGONES. WHY CAN'T YOU? I KNOW I'M DOWNPLAYING YOUR STRESS AND ALL BUT I'M DOWNPLAYING MY OWN. MAYBE THAT'S ALL YOU NEED. MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT TWO PAINS IN THE ASS HAVE LEFT YOUR HOUSE AND YOU GET TWO ROOMS. MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU'LL SEE THEM AGAIN AND THAT ACTUALLY THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FUCKING THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
I KNOW CHANGE IS SCARY BUT CHANGE IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. IT'S JUST LIKE THE RAIN. YOU WERE SO AFRAID OF IT UNTIL I SHOWED YOU HOW FUCKING AMAZING IT IS BECAUSE HOW COULD ANYONE HATE THE RAIN!? YOUR FEARS HOLD YOU BACK SO MUCH.
JUST IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THIS CHANGE WASN'T HAPPENING. YOUR OLDER BROTHER WOULD BE CONSUMING EVERY RESOURCE IN THE HOUSE, GMO PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND GROW UP TO BE SOME 35 YEAR OLD MAN LIVING IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT, YOUR MOM WOULD BE ANGRY AND DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME, AND YOU WOULD NEVER LEARN RESPONSIBILITIES AND GET OUT OF YOUNGEST CHILD SYNDROME.
A wise man once told me, "speak up, I can't hear you with that pitty dick in your mouth." That wise man was Deadpool. What I really mean to say is, you're getting hung up on things like Liyah does. As the oldest child, I've learned to suck it up, but you haven't had the exposure that I've had. I think you just need to stop and think about what makes your life worth living. You can hear me do that every single fucking day. You too, Liyah. And Tavia for that matter.
I think the problem with you is that you get hung up on things and that you make things a bigger deal than they really are, which makes sense considering your mothers. I can already hear the excuses start to form. I'm not judging you, I'm just analyzing you. I think that at this point, out of all of my friends, Ari has the most viable excuse to be sad or stressed, but she's more mentally stable than all of my other friends and that is so fucking admirable and impressive. I'm not saying that everyone else doesn't have viable reasons to be mentally unstable, I'm just patting Ari on the back because I'm so proud of her. So very proud. Like, a lot. Like, a lot, a lot.
So, yeah, my life is a fucking nightmare and it always will be, but I won't complain about it. The issue is, trouble follows me everywhere I go, and I plan to keep it that way.
Now, before you go comment on my story part, think about if you would comment if you read this in all lowercase. I'm sorry to everyone I offended (which should be every single one of my friends) this wasn't intended to hurt anybody, this is just a rant. Remember I love you very much and that I had a lot more to say but I kept it at that. Also, I haven't read this though because it's 1658 words long and I'm illiterate. Sorry everybody'
