Badass, Babe, Bicon {Rosa Diaz}

THE VULTURE

published: 6-22-2024

Early morning. A weird time, where either lots of people were murdered, or almost no one. Alyssa sat on Rosa's desk, talking about violent encounters with criminals when Jake called everyone to his and Amy's shared desks.

"You guys see the dude I brought in today? The drug dealer? 81 years old." He told everyone proudly. Alyssa rolled her eyes, "I once arrested a 92-year-old guy for assault. 81 is simple, Peralta."

"I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing," Amy added, scrunching her nose, "I was afraid he'd die in my backseat...or flash me." She shuddered uncomfortably.

"My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20," Rosa told the detectives. Alyssa smiled, "Noice,"

Sculls walked over, holding two cups of coffee. He asked, "What about two 50-year-old twins? Does that count as a 100 year old?" All of the detectives shook their heads.

Charles walked in, setting down his coffee and bags, "You talking oldest bags? 68." He said proudly. Alyssa furrowed her brows, "That's not that old, Boyle."

"Yeah, but I was only 20," Charles replied normally. "20?" Jake asked confusedly, "Were you even a cop then?" Charles shook his head.

"It was before I was in the Academy," Charles smiled, and Alyssa locked eyes with Rosa. "Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest..." Rosa snickered.

Everyone groaned in disgust. Alyssa and Gina fake-retched in unison. "No, yes I am!" Charles protested, "Oldest arrest, 68. Like I said."

"Sex with a 68-year-old when you were 20?" Alyssa whispered incredulously, "The straights are disgusting."

"You know how it is," Charles crossed his arms, "When you have the chance to bed an older woman-''

"That is not an older woman, that is an old woman!" Jake corrected, his face a mix of disgust and disbelief. "That's someone's grandma!"

"She was, actually," Charles continued, "That's how I met her-'' Alyssa threw a stapler at his stomach, causing him to double over and wheeze. 

Rosa ducked out of the conversation, Alyssa on her heels, so they would not have to hear about how replacement hips were great for sex.

~~~

"Peralta," Holt called, "You want to loop everyone in?" The detectives all looked up at Jake curiously. "Fine," Jake grunted, standing up and turning to face the group, holding a remote.

"Get ready for some stuff on a screen," Jake told everyone, clicking the remote, and the TV screen showed a man's face. "Meet Fred Gorman. Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse." The TV now showed a photo of Gorman's body surrounded by a pool of blood.

"Now," Jake continued, "Meet Ann Hoert, his wife. Did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life." Alyssa added "Sick," but smiled sheepishly at Holt's unamused expression.

"Hoert had means, motive, and opportunity. I just need to find the murder weapon. For some reason, the D. A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used." Jake finished.

"Is that reason they want to win the case?" Holt turned to Jake.

"Yes."

"Well find it."

"Thank you, sir, I've got it!"

The detectives filed out of the room.

~~~

Sometime later, Alyssa was checking over some personnel files when she looked up to find Jake face to face with one of the worst people to ever exist - Detective Keith Pembroke, The Vulture.