Badass, Babe, Bicon {Rosa Diaz}

TACTICAL VILLAGE

TW: mentions of torture

published: 6-25-2024

Charles strolled into the precinct looking chipper. He handed out envelopes, announcing, "For you," repeatedly. Alyssa sliced open the envelope with one of Rosa's knives and pulled out a piece of paper labeled 'STD'. She choked from laughter.

As Alyssa sniggered, Amy asked, "What are these?" while examining the papers curiously

Once Charles finished handing out the envelopes, he answered, "These, madam, are STDs," He grinned innocently.

The Nine-Nine looked up, either grossed-out, confused, or laughing. "What are you talking about, buddy?" Jake asked concernedly.

The expression Charles had was still innocent. "STDs," He repeated unknowingly, "Save the dates," He explained, "For Vivian and my wedding."

Everyone 'ohh'ed. Jake held up his STD card and asked "Just out of curiousity, how many people have you given STDs to?"

"Lots. Like 100." Charles replied proudly.

The detectives giggled while Charles looked around "What's going on?" He asked, "Oh, I get it. 'STD' has another meaning. You're gross, no one else is gonna think that."

Amy raised her hands up. "Everyone is going to think that. But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there." Charles thanked her, but Amy wasn't done. "Will your first dance be to 'You Give Me Fever'?"

Terry chimed in, "Will you be serving crabs at the reception?"

Alyssa also added, "Will you be giving out condoms in doggy bags?"

Gina finished, "Do you have herpes?"

Charles stopped everyone from making fun of him even further. "Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me. No more jokes!"

The group apologized sheepishly. "We love you buddy," Jake said, and Alyssa waited for the punchline to come. "Warts and all. Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was itching to say it-" Alyssa kicked Jake, who finished, "Okay, I'm done."

After Terry laughed, Hitchcock appeared from behind him. "I have an STD," He announced.

Everyone frowned. Jake interrupted the silence awkwardly, "So just RSVP, or...?"

~~~

Alyssa had her legs spread next to Rosa in the briefing room as Jake jogged in, high-fiving everyone while celebrating "Happy Tactical Village Day!"

Up at the front, Holt and Terry were conversing about something. Holt placed his hands on the podium and said "Peralta, I'm glad to see you're so excited about departmentally mandated training exercises."

Jake added, "It's the best day of the year. Something you would not understand because you are not programmed to feel joy," He joked.

"Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade," Holt replied coolly, not batting an eye while Alyssa laughed.

A bit insulted, Jake ignored Holt. "Anyways, Tactical Village Day is awesome. We get to field-test a bunch of new weapons, and there's always a new training situation. Last year's was prison break. It got super violent." He explained.

Alyssa looked frustrated. She missed a bunch of Tactical Village Days while she was undercover, and she loved them. "Dammit, I missed prison break?"

The Nine-Nine reminisced dreamily. Amy told Captain Holt, "Needless to say, the Nine-Nine has never had a perfect run."

Charles pointed to Jake, "True. But Jake has been the finalist for coolest kill two years in a row. And Alyssa held the coolest kill record five years ago." He added some details, "That's every precinct sending around their footage and all the cops voting."