Parallel Review Stall

Merciless Mafia Queen

Author: Devils_fiction

Reviewer: ivna_jung

Before starting the review, a small note from Ivna (The reviewer)

Hey there. Just a heads-up before you dive into my review: I'm not a professional reviewer, so you might not agree with everything I say. We're currently looking for reviewers, but in the meantime, I didn't want to keep anyone waiting, so I'm sharing my thoughts. If you notice any issues, please reach out on my message board. This review is purely my personal take on things.

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Title: 3/5

The title "Merciless Mafia Queen" is catchy and intriguing, letting readers know they'll get a story about a powerful, dangerous female lead in the mafia world. This can attract fans of strong characters and action-filled plots. However, it might give away too much of the story and sound a bit predictable. Plus, it might not stand out much from other similar stories.

Blurb: 4/5

The blurb grabs attention with its dramatic story about a girl who turns from innocent to a merciless mafia queen because of her painful past. It hooks readers with the mystery of why her parents hate her and the discovery of a brother she never knew. Meeting seven mafia kings while she's disguised as a nerd at school adds excitement and suspense. The only downside is that it might feel a bit crowded with so many plot points, but overall, it's very intriguing and engaging.

Cover: 1/5

The cover isn't very eye-catching or amazing. While it gives some insight into the female protagonist's life, it doesn't show anything about the mafia kings. Plus, it doesn't even have the title on it. It lacks the intrigue and excitement that the story promises. A more engaging cover could visually capture the essence of the ruthless mafia world and the transformation of the protagonist, making potential readers curious and eager to delve into the story.

First Chapter: 3/5

The first chapter shows promise but feels like it's lacking something. While it effectively uses the character's point of view, it could benefit from a more polished narrative style, especially in reducing repetitive phrases like "because." Additionally, the inconsistency in Y/N's behavior towards Aera without clear justification might confuse readers initially, though hopefully, this is addressed in later chapters. Clearing up these points could enhance the coherence and engagement of the opening chapter.

Grammar and Vocabulary: 4/15

The text suffers from numerous grammatical errors that impact readability. Commas are frequently omitted where necessary, leading to run-on sentences and confusing structures. There are consistent issues with capitalization, such as lowercase "i" instead of "I," which disrupts the flow of reading. Missing full stops in sentences further complicate understanding, as they fail to clearly separate ideas.

Additionally, there are several incorrect word choices and non-standard expressions used throughout the text. For instance, "worrifully" is not a valid word; "worriedly" would be more appropriate. Emojis are used inappropriately during dialogue scenes where narration would be more suitable, breaking the immersion and confusing the reader's understanding of character emotions.

Moreover, inconsistent phrasing like using "On the Call" and "Seen" without context or clarity can lead to misunderstandings about the characters' interactions. Overall, addressing these issues through careful proofreading and editing would significantly enhance the clarity and professionalism of the writing.

Pace: 4/10

The pacing of the story feels rushed and disjointed. Events like Namjoon's sudden appearance and immediate romantic involvement with YN, without adequate development or explanation, contribute to a sense of things happening too quickly. There's a lack of detail in crucial moments, such as YN's reaction after her first kiss with Namjoon, which leaves important emotional beats unexplored.

Moreover, YN's sudden familiarity and openness with the other BTS members without establishing their relationships earlier can be confusing for readers. Additionally, the abrupt revelation of YN's mafia queen identity and her immediate desire for an alliance with BTS further complicates the narrative flow and character motivations. These elements together create a pace that doesn't allow for enough depth or gradual unfolding of events, which could improve reader engagement and understanding.

Plot: 12/15

The plot of the story is intriguing and holds promise, though it can be confusing at times. The concept of YN's transformation from an innocent girl to a ruthless mafia queen is compelling. The idea of her discovering a hidden brother and navigating alliances with seven mafia kings while undercover at school adds depth and suspense to the narrative.

However, the plot could benefit from clearer transitions and more consistent development of key relationships and motivations. Introducing more flashbacks or memories related to YN missing Jimin or Jimin recalling moments with YN could enhance emotional depth and continuity, making the story more engaging and cohesive from the start. Overall, while the plot has strong elements, refining its coherence and emotional arcs could further elevate its impact.

Writing Style: 2/10

The writing style suffers from significant issues that hinder comprehension. Paragraphs and dialogues are often merged into large blocks of text, making it challenging for readers to follow the narrative flow and understand what is happening. The inconsistent capitalization of words, such as lowercase "i" instead of "I," further complicates readability and disrupts the natural flow of sentences. These elements contribute to a messy and confusing reading experience, detracting from the story's potential impact and clarity. Improving paragraph structure, dialogue formatting, and maintaining consistent capitalization would greatly enhance the overall readability and effectiveness of the writing style.

Emotions: 2/10

The story lacks deep feelings and emotions. Instead of exploring characters' emotions and inner struggles, it mostly describes what they think without really diving into how they feel. This makes it hard for readers to connect with the characters on an emotional level and understand their motivations. Adding more detailed emotions and reactions to important events would make the story more engaging and relatable.

Character Development: 3/10

The character development in the story is inconsistent and unclear. While YN is portrayed as cold and merciless at times, her interactions with others often contradict this characterization. This inconsistency makes it difficult for readers to understand her true nature and motivations. Additionally, her relationship with Namjoon appears to drastically alter her character, which can be confusing and disrupts the continuity of her development.

To improve character development, it's important to establish consistent traits and motivations for YN from the beginning. This would create a more believable and engaging portrayal of her transformation from an innocent girl to a ruthless mafia queen. Clearer motivations and gradual changes in behavior would enhance the depth and coherence of her character development throughout the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

While I did enjoy aspects of the story and found the plot intriguing, the overall experience was marred by confusion and inconsistencies. The storyline had potential, but the rapid pacing, unclear character development, and lack of emotional depth detracted from my overall enjoyment. With some improvements in clarity, character consistency, and emotional expression, the story could become more engaging and enjoyable to read.

Total: 41/100 

Thank You!!