Parallel Review Stall

The Woman Inside Him

Author:  Honeyrose2020

Reviewer:  Astronomist

Title: 4/5

The title "The Woman Inside Him" is intriguing and hints at the main character's intersex identity. It's a bit provocative and may raise some eyebrows, but it definitely catches attention and makes you curious about the story.

Blurb: 3/5

The blurb provides a basic setup for the story - introducing the intersex main character Kai, the mysterious town of Livanbridge, and a potential romance. However, it feels a bit generic and doesn't give a strong sense of the central conflict or stakes. It could be punched up to be more specific and compelling.

Cover: 3/5

The cover image sets a mysterious, slightly unsettling tone with the moon peeking through the trees. However, the typography and composition could be improved to look more professional and eye-catching. The current design doesn't stand out as much as it could.

First Chapter: 3/5

The first chapter jumps right into the story, introducing Kai and his discomfort with traditionally feminine clothing. There are some intriguing hints about Kai's identity and family dynamics. However, the pacing feels a bit choppy and the writing could be smoothed out. There are also quite a few grammatical errors that distract from the flow.

Grammar and Vocabulary: 9/15

As the author notes in the intro, the story has frequent grammatical errors, especially with verb tenses, pronouns, prepositions and sentence structure. The vocabulary is simple and conversational. With some proofreading and editing, the technical aspects of the writing could be significantly improved. The current errors make it difficult to get immersed at times.

Pace: 6/10

The pacing of the chapters is quite quick, jumping from scene to scene without much room to breathe or reflect. More time could be spent grounding each scene in the setting and the characters' emotions. The relationships also seem to develop very rapidly. Some slower, deeper moments would improve the pacing.

Plot: 10/15

The central plot revolving around Kai navigating life and romance as an intersex person is compelling and has a lot of potential. The mysterious town and family secrets add intrigue. However, the storylines and character motivations could be developed in a more cohesive, purposeful way. Some of the drama and conflicts come across as a bit contrived or superficial.

Writing style: 6/10

The writing style is straightforward and unembellished, with plenty of dialogue to move the story along. The author is still developing their voice and style. There are some awkward phrasings, run-on sentences, and abrupt tonal shifts. With practice and refinement, the style will likely smooth out and become more consistent.

Emotions: 7/10

There are some quite emotional, vulnerable moments that shine through, especially when Kai shares his struggles with identity and family acceptance. The romance storylines also have some sweet, heartfelt exchanges. However, the quick pacing and shallow conflicts reduce some of the emotional impact. Going deeper into the characters' mental and emotional states would enhance the story's poignancy.

Character Development: 6/10

Kai is set up as a sympathetic, complex protagonist. His friendship with Angel provides nice support and banter. The potential love interests, Ian and Jared, are intriguing but still a bit one-dimensional at this point. More nuanced development of the characters' backstories, flaws, and growth would make them feel more authentic and relatable.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

Despite the grammatical errors and room for improvement in plotting and pacing, the story has an earnest charm to it. The intersex representation, while not perfect, brings some much-needed diversity. With some polishing and development, it could be an engaging New Adult romance with good representation. The writing shows promise and heart.

In summary, "The Woman Inside Him" aims to tell an important story about an underrepresented identity. While the writing is rough around the edges, the story has glimmers of sweetness and depth that will likely grow as the author hones their voice and style. With further editing and development, it could be a story that resonates with many.

Keep writing and refining your craft, Honeyrose2020!

Total: 64/100

Thank You