Parallel Review Stall

Adopted

Author: honey_caves7

Reviewer: ivna_jung

Before starting the review, a small note from Ivna (The reviewer)

Hey there. Just a heads-up before you dive into my review: I'm not a professional reviewer, so you might not agree with everything I say. We're currently looking for reviewers, but in the meantime, I didn't want to keep anyone waiting, so I'm sharing my thoughts. If you notice any issues, please reach out on my message board. This review is purely my personal take on things.

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Title: 3/5

The title "Adopted" is straightforward and fits the story well, giving a clear indication of its central theme. However, it lacks uniqueness and isn't particularly catchy, which might make it less memorable or eye-catching compared to other titles. A more distinctive title could help it stand out and attract more readers.

Blurb: 2/5

The blurb has potential but needs more clarity and depth to effectively hook readers. The dialogue is intriguing and hints at a deeper story of conflict and emotional struggle, which can attract readers interested in family drama. However, it lacks context and emotional impact, making it difficult for readers to understand the full scope of the story. The central theme of adoption and sibling rivalry is introduced, but more details are needed to give readers a better sense of the plot and the characters' journeys. A more detailed blurb would provide context, highlight key plot points, and offer emotional insights to make the story more appealing.

Cover: 1/5

The cover features a group photo of the characters, indicating a story about their relationships and dynamics. However, the image is blurry, making it less appealing and giving it an unprofessional look. While the happy expressions on the characters' faces create an interesting contrast with the story's tension, it's not clear who the adopted brothers are or the conflict between them and the others. The title is present but not prominently or creatively integrated into the design. Try to design a new cover (or ask someone to design one) that can give a little insight of the story. Overall, the cover lacks clarity and focus, and it doesn't effectively convey the story's central theme or conflict, making it less likely to catch a reader's eye.

First Chapter: 2/5

The content of the first chapter is engaging, but several issues might prevent readers from continuing. The current use of dialogue script can be confusing and may benefit from a more traditional paragraph format. If sticking with dialogue script, it's essential to include detailed explanations of emotions and actions to help readers understand the context and the characters' feelings. The chapter lacks depth in describing what is happening and the emotions involved, which can make it hard for readers to connect with the story and its characters. Addressing these issues will improve readability and keep readers engaged. (I will explain more in Writing Style)

Grammar and Vocabulary: 10/15

The writing exhibits some significant grammar and punctuation errors. Proper use of commas, full stops, exclamation marks, and ellipses is necessary to make sentences clearer and more impactful. For instance, instead of writing "Yoongi: Don't say like this about my brother..", it would be better to write "Yoongi: Don't talk about my brother like this...". Consistency in using a single period (.) or three dots (...) for ellipses is crucial; avoid using two or four. Despite these issues, the overall vocabulary is solid, but there is room for improvement by selecting more precise and varied words to enhance the narrative. Fixing these grammatical and punctuation errors will significantly improve readability and the story's overall quality.

Pace: 7/10

The pace of the story is generally good, maintaining a flow that keeps readers engaged. However, there are moments where it feels a bit rushed, which can disrupt the narrative's rhythm. Despite this, the story's events and developments are explained well, allowing readers to follow along smoothly. By slightly slowing down these rushed sections and providing a bit more detail, the pacing could be improved to enhance the overall reading experience.

Plot: 14/15

The plot is the strongest aspect of the story. It initially appears to follow a common trope, but it takes surprising turns that keep readers engaged and shocked by the revelations. The way the story unfolds, especially the truth about the brothers' relationships, is compelling and well-executed. The different methods used to show the brothers' hatred add depth and complexity to the narrative, making it stand out from similar stories. This originality and the well-developed plot twists make for a highly engaging and memorable read.

Writing Style: 6/10

Now, this disappointed me a little. As I mentioned before try to use paragraph script but if you decide to stick to the current format, make sure to include detailed explanations of emotions and actions to help readers understand the context and the characters' feelings.

For example, instead of writing like this, Yoongi: What's with the shout... (confused)

Jimin: Actually...(cut off)

Jin: Let me speak...

Try writing like this

Yoongi: What's with the shout?

Yoongi asked with a confused expression as he came bear the brothers.

Jimin looked at him,

Jimin: Actually... But before he could say anything,

Jin cut him off,

Jin: Let me speak...

OR

Yoongi stepped into the kitchen, his brow furrowed at the sudden shout. "What's going on?" he asked, looking from Jimin to Jin for answers.

Jimin hesitated, meeting Yoongi's gaze. "Actually," he began tentatively.

But Jin interjected sharply, cutting Jimin off. "Let me handle this," he insisted, his frustration evident in his voice.

This approach provides more context and emotion, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene and characters' reactions.

Sure, here's how you can expand your review into a paragraph:

Character Development: 10/10

The character development in this story was truly exceptional. Yoongi's transformation throughout the narrative was deeply compelling; from his initial aloofness to his eventual vulnerability and growth, every step felt genuine and earned. It was heartening to see him overcome his inner struggles, making his character arc one of the most memorable aspects of the story. 

Similarly, Jin's evolution was equally impactful, revealing layers of his personality that added richness to his interactions with others. Their development not only shaped the plot significantly but also resonated on a personal level, drawing me deeper into their journey. Their growth felt organic yet surprising, weaving seamlessly into the fabric of the story. Overall, the way these characters evolved was a testament to the author's skill in crafting believable and compelling character arcs.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I found immense enjoyment in this story. Despite some minor errors that could be addressed, the overall experience was incredibly engaging. The character development, especially of Yoongi and Jin, was a highlight that kept me invested throughout. Yoongi's journey from aloofness to vulnerability was particularly moving, while Jin's evolution added depth and intrigue to the narrative. These characters and the others arcs not only enriched the plot but also resonated on a personal level, making me genuinely care about their outcomes. The story's pacing and plot twists further heightened my enjoyment, keeping me eagerly reading. Great Job!!

Total: 64/100 

Thank You!!