SO AMERICAN | max verstappen

thirtytwo.

Being at a Grand Prix felt strange.

I missed three of them while I was gone. One of my absences had been planned and the other two were because I had been released from my contract, thankfully.

"What are you doing?" I looked up from the notebook in my lap, something I do fairly often now, to see Ella knelt on a chair next to me.

We were at the Mclaren garage, up on the balcony, waiting for FP2. FP1 had just ended so we had a couple of hours in between, I'm sure Lando was somewhere, but I had been distracted working on a song.

"Writing," I gestured to the notebook, the one she'd seen me write in time and time again.

I had finished writing Wondering while in Bali with Arthur and started back up on another partially written song while on the plane ride here. Lando had been waiting for us when we arrived, rather smiley so. He seemed overjoyed when Ella and I walked up to him at the airport here in Belgium – probably more so to see his girlfriend even though, at this point, they'd only been apart a week.

"Oooh." She smiled, settling in the seat beside me, "What's this one called?"

She was peaking at the notebook and I couldn't help but smile at her.

Ella had decided as summer break started that she hated her current job and quit, I couldn't blame her, I hated the job for her. She told me how terrible it was, came home crying quite often, so I think she made a good decision. But, luckily for her, quitting the job meant that she could travel with Lando for a while before looking for another job. It was obvious by the constant smiles on their faces that neither of them were complaining.

"Uh, it's called enough for you."

"Sounds sad." Ella said, pulling a face.

I chuckled, "It is."

She then leaned over and poked my cheek, catching my attention once more. "Are you actually going to go into the paddock before FP2 instead of hiding in here the rest of the time?"

"Yeah, I can't hide for forever." I laughed, "Think we can go find some food? I'm starving and what you brought me earlier is not satisfying me enough."

Ella let out a sound of excitement, reaching over and taking my notebook from me, closing it, and setting it to the side. Her hands connected with mine and she led me down the stairs, out into the openness of the pit lane, and eventually into the paddock.

Anxiety coursed through me the further away from the secludedness of the Mclaren garage we got. Being out here, in the open, meant that he could be anywhere. And that scared the shit out of me.

I haven't seen him since the day he left with Lili for Silverstone.

Before everything went to shit.

I still wanted him so badly, craved his presence still. Regardless of how he treated me, I unfortunately still loved him – as much as I shouldn't, I do.

"You writing any other songs?" Ella hip-bumped me as we walked.

I laughed, thankful that she was able to bring me out of my little pity party, even if she didn't know she was doing so. "A few, actually. The only other one I'm close to finishing is one called Happier."

"Let me guess, it isn't a happy song."

This time we both laughed, tears even pooled in my eyes from the joy my best friend brought me, "You'd be correct."

We walked hand in hand through the paddock, toward Mclaren hospitality where Ella had promised me better food than earlier. I heard my name being called, panicking at first, but quickly realizing the accent I heard wasn't the one I needed to avoid.