wilder days

9. breakeven

'cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? 

what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?

i'm fallin' to pieces

i'm fallin' to pieces

---

samantha

please answer ur phone

i just want to know ur okay

Those messages were why I found myself out front of Sophia's house at midnight.

I didn't want to see Raegan or Tatumn. I didn't want to talk to Morgan or Hannah. I didn't want to get an earful from Via, so here I am.

I walked up to the front door and knocked loudly, knowing she was the only one home. After a few seconds, I heard someone come walking through her huge house and crack open the door a little bit. The second she saw me, she pulled me into a hug and I just sobbed into her shoulder.

"Everything's okay, Sammy. It's okay." She whispered. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of that."

"I don't understand." I was able to get out between sobs. "I knew we were on the decline, but it never should have ended like that. We dated for three years..."

"Everything's gonna be alright." She told me, squeezing me tighter. "It's his loss, not yours. I'm sorry."

When I finally calmed down, we went into the kitchen and she got me a glass of water. I drank it quickly and averted my eyes down to the counter.

"Got anything stronger?" I wiped at a drop of water on the counter with the bottom of my t-shirt after climbing up onto the bar stool.

"How much stronger?" Soph smirked as she bent down under the counter. When she came back up, she was holding four bottles of alcohol; two bottles of vodka, one Pink Whitney, one bourbon.

"Surprise me." I sighed, picking at my fingernails. She walked across the kitchen to the fridge after grabbing a few cups. She brought the cups over and a few other drinks to mix. I took my phone out of my pocket, but she swiped it from me quickly.

"No, Samantha." She grabbed two shot glasses and poured out two shots. She pushed one towards me. "The phone only makes it worse."

I was too weak to fight back, so I picked up the shot. It burned like hell going down, but I asked for another anyway. Then a third and a fourth before we moved onto mixed drinks. I wanted to feel nothing.

If I feel nothing, I could be honest with myself. I was hardly hurt. I just hate to think that he lied to me and that he thinks he found someone better. I hate that he lied about falling out of love and it was driven not by his own emotions, but by his feelings.

After already having had my episode of anger, I was ready to not feel it any more. Soph and I went into the backyard and laid in the grass. We looked out the stairs and pointed out our favorites. I told her the names of the ones I remembered my dad telling me when I was little.

"You know, I wanted to go to space when I was a kid." I told her. "I thought it was so awesome. I wanted to land on the moon. I wanted to know what it was like to just float around. Nothing holding me back, you know?"

"I'm terrified of space. Nothingness? Not for me. I'm happy here on Earth." Laughed Soph. "If you got the opportunity, would you still want to go?"

"Maybe, I'm not really sure." I admitted. "Now that I'm older it's scary. But I don't know....if I had the opportunity, maybe. But when is that opportunity ever gonna come up? I'll never be completely free. I'll always be held back by something."