wilder days

19. wanted

you know I'd fall apart without you

don't know how you do what you do

everythin' that don't make sense about me

makes sense when i'm with you

like everythin' that's green, girl, I need you

but it's more than one and one makes two

put aside the math and the logic of it

you gotta know you're wanted too

---

A few weeks passed by, and not a single thing got better, with the exception of soccer. I was able to put my head down and put what little energy I had into soccer. By the fourth week of school, my grades had almost completely fallen off, though I was scoring two goals a game pretty consistently. I knew it was only a matter of time until Elrod had to confront me about my grades but I knew she would put that off as long as she could. 

I preferred to spend most of my time alone, only going out to parties on the weekends and the occasional hook up with Via. I didn't want to hang out with my friends outside of large social settings because I don't want to be asked questions. I went to parties to get drunk and forget, often waking up at one of my friends' houses and not remembering a single thing. 

I liked it better that way. 

I only spoke to Justine and my dad when necessary. I would find as much time as possible to hang out with Kasey, but my energy level was so low that I often wasn't able to. I seldom spoke to Raegan, Hannah, or Morgan. Tatumn hasn't said much to me other than asking what I had for lunch and a few things soccer related here or there. Sophia and I have spoken briefly about captain related matters, but most of our inquiries to each other have gone through Lexi. 

My routine was broken after one particularly rough Saturday night at a party. Raegan was particularly frustrated with the way I had acted and dumped me off at home, unwilling to take care of me. I'd been lucky not getting caught sneaking in drunk numerous times before, but I wasn't so lucky this time. 

My dad, Justine and Carrie were all sitting in the living room, watching a movie. I stumbled through the front door, audibly gasping at the sight of them. 

"Hey, Sam. I thought you were sleeping out tonight." My dad said. I panicked as I looked over at Justine, who had a death glare aimed towards me. 

"Nope, not tonight." I said simply, tripping as I shut the door but catching myself on the wall before hitting the ground. 

"Why not?" Justine asked, her voice borderline menacing. I opened my mouth to answer, but instead, I vomited all over the floor.  "That's why." She grumbled, grabbing the remote to pause the movie. 

"Oh, Sam." Sighed my dad. Him and Carrie both got up to start cleaning up while I just stood there, completely stunned. 

I looked down at the mess on the floor and all over my shoes, then I looked at my dad grabbing towels. I looked at Carrie, concern painted all over her face. I looked at Justine, her glare replaced by a look of sadness. I had no idea what to do, so I determined my best bet was to burst into tears. 

Shockingly, my sister was the first one to come over and wrap me into a hug. She pulled me as close to her as possible, making it so I could feel her light sobs into my hair. It was in that moment that I realized I don't want this anymore. I want to feel okay. I want to be happy.

"What's up? Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." She said after letting my sobs slow down. Her embrace made me feel safe and warm, a feeling I'd been longing for the past few weeks.