wilder days

21. if i didn't love you

if i didn't love you, I'd be good by now

i'd be better than barely, getting by somehow

yeah, it would be easy not to miss you

wonder about who's with you

turn the want you off

whenever i want to

if i didn't love you

---

A few days after the party at Lexi's I completely cracked. 

Something about the way my day was going absolutely sent me over the edge. My day started off badly when I woke up late and had to run through the hallways to make it to class on time. During second period I went to the school store to get a coffee and they told me they were all out, same with the cafeteria during lunch. I had also forgotten to pack a lunch this morning since I was so late, and when I went to go buy something, they only had shitty snacks and the meal looked like plastic. I failed my Spanish test in fifth period and we had to run sprints at practice because Raegan and Tatumn were late due to something for a class and had forgotten to tell coach. 

I was too pissed off to drive so I just planned on sitting in my truck and listening to music until I cooled down. After a few minutes of my forehead leaning on the steering wheel, someone slid into the seat next to me. 

"You should probably lock your car, Samantha." Sophia's voice cut through the music. She turned the volume of my radio down before talking again. "You know you look like shit again." 

"I fucking know, Sophia. Just stop." I didn't look up at her and reached to turn the volume back up, hoping to drown out the sound of her voice when she would start to say whatever she had to say next. 

"Sam, I'm seriously worried about you." She turned the music down so we could hardly hear it. 

"I don't want you to be." I told her, zero emotion to my voice. "I just want to be alone, please. Just go." 

"You're not alone, Samantha." She said. I groaned and turned up the music again, letting If I Didn't Love You  by Jason Aldean and Carrie Underwood fill the silence that had fallen between us. She didn't try to talk to me again, but she didn't leave either. We were both taking in everything around us, from the music to my life situation. 

My forehead found its way to the steering wheel again as I was completely overwhelmed by my never-ending issues and complicated feelings. Sophia carefully put her hand on my back, rubbing slow but comforting circles. She didn't say a word and I liked it better that way. 

When the song ended, I turned the volume on my radio all the way down and we sat in a comfortable silence. 

---

The day after that, the new girl came. New to the school, new to the team. 

Coach told me she's a sophomore with ridiculous stats from her old high school and came from a well accomplished club team in the area she was from. 

Her and Shannon made it to practice a bit later than everyone else, just after warm ups. Shannon was talking her ear off as they kept their distance. The new girl looked overwhelmed, and I'm sure the blonde's over the top personality wasn't helping. 

I was walking and chatting with Sophia about tomorrow's game when I could feel her eyes on me. I said a quick goodbye to Soph and went to go talk to Rae, Hannah, Morgan and Tatumn. I put my arm around Rae and mentioned the new girl, telling her to look over but not make it obvious. 

"You're thinking what I'm thinking, right?" She had a mischievous glint in her eye as she turned back my way. 

"Of course I am, Rae." I smirked. I removed my arm and made my way over to the new girl, who was looking at Shannon with large eyes and a slightly confused expression. "What's up, Shannon? New Girl?"