Zindagi Gulzar hai - Life is a Flower Garden

17 March - Kashaf

Four months after marriage, I left his home forever. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong but I do know, this was inevitable. If I didn't leave his home myself, he would have kicked me out. marrying him was a wrong decision. We both belong to different worlds. The sad thing is that he dared to doubt my character, when he himself has no character at all. His behavior had been changing day by day. Before, he would gently make me understand and do what he wanted. Then he became harsh. I agreed to every illogical demand because I didn't want to destroy my home. But after yesterday, bearing anything else is impossible for me.

Yesterday night, after dinner, he took a book and sat on the bed. I sat at the dressing table and began brushing my hair when I felt he was staring at me intently. I brushed it off.

"Kashaf, can I ask you something?" He suddenly spoke. I put the brush down and turned to face him.

"Your brother-in-law, Azhar, I heard he sent a proposal to you once and that he really like you."

"I don't know if he liked me or not but yes, he did send a proposal for me." I answered.

"You really like him. You often admire him, too." His tone was really strange.

'Yes, I do like him because he is a good man." His color changed at my words.

"Then why didn't you accept his proposal?"

"Because I had no interest in marriage at the time. I had too many responsibilities."

"You're lying. Actually his mother liked Aasma better than you because she is prettier and so she forced Azhar to marry her. Kashaf, you used to study in Lahore. Azhar was in an engineering university there. You two must have often met."

I was stunned. I had never even imagined he would say such things to me. I was unable to speak for a few moments. He was staring hard at me as if I was a criminal and he had caught me red-handed.

"Zaroon, what is the matter with you? I don't understand."

"I didn't ask such a difficult question. If I was in your place and someone proposed to me after insulting me, I would never marry that person. But you forgot everything and married me. Isn't that surprising? Maybe not. After all, women like you take one look at men like me and forget everything, be that an old lover."

"Enough. I won't listen to anymore nonsense. Whatever you want to say, say it."

I stood up. He smirked at my words.

"Kashaf, remember when I hit you in college, you said that when you call a person what he really is, he can't bear it. When I told mom that I wanted to marry you, she asked me what I liked about you and I said your character. She had said that I was wrong, middle class girls act like saints when they hide dirty secrets. I think she was right."

His words me hit me like a blow to the gut. Hearing this from my own husband was too painful for me. I asked him.

"So you think I'm a corrupt woman?"

"What can I say? You probably know yourself better."

Saying this, he opened his book. I was burning with fury. I ripped the book from his hands and threw it away. 

"You doubt my character, well then what about your own?"

I screamed at him. He replied in a frosty tone.

"Hand me the book and lower your tone. This is my house and I don't like shouting in it."

"I don't care about you or your home!" I shouted again. "You are a flirt and you are saying this to me! What about yourself?" 

"It would be better for you to shut your mouth. I won't hear anymore shit from you."

"I will not stay quiet! If my words are crap, then what about the words you are saying? You are a disgraceful human being and you will never know how to respect a woman!"

I would have said more but his slap stopped me. "I don't even want to respect a woman like you. Hold your tongue or I will not stop myself from hitting you!"

After a few moments of looking at him quietly, I went into the dressing room. Throwing my things into a bag, when I went outside again, he was reading his book.

"I'm leaving."

"Do what you want to. I have no intention of stopping you. But remember this, once you leave, you won't come back into this home. If you still want to leave then go, I'll send you the divorce papers in a few days."

He didn't even look up from his book.

"I don't even want to come back here. And it will be kind of you to send the divorce as soon as you can. The amount you gave to me as mehr is in the bank. I have signed the cheque-book. You can take out the money whenever you want. The fifteen thousand rupees you gave to me every month are also in the same account. Here are the keys to the wardrobe. All the jewelry you gave me is in the drawer. I am taking only the things I bought with my own money. If you want, you can check my bag."

"Close the door on your way out."

This was the only sentence he spoke in reply to that. If I had stayed a second longer in that room, I would have burst into tears.

When I left that place, I had no idea where to go. Then I took my car to the MNA hostel. Zaroon didn't try to stop me even once. Maybe he didn't want to stop me. If he had stopped me, I would never have left. I didn't want to destroy my home. I love him so much and he was the only man in my life who made me dream about love, who made me feel wanted. Even when I want to, I can't hate him and I probably won't be able to in the future.

This was the reward for my good deed. I had refused Azhar's proposal for my sister so that she could marry into a good home. And all I got out of it was a stain on my character. God has never done justice with me and I don't expect it either. Zaroon was another puppet in God's hand. He didn't do anything wrong. Its just God who wants me humiliated in life. I have to wait and see what else will be taken away from me.