Aristoi Achaion [A the song of Achilles fanfiction] 2

Chapter 29.5

A/N: Mystery character's pov. Except you will figure it out while reading.

I am stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid.  I am stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid.
I am completely and utterly stupid. I have always been. And a dreamer, I have been called that. I have always believed that almost impossible things could happen, that I could have things I could only dream of. My parents told me that I should be more realistic. We were poor and I was a girl. There was nothing I could do.
When they raided our village I had this hope that nothing would happen,
that we would somehow, for some reason be spared, that the gods would be in our favor.
But they only care about heroes and kings not even minding if villagers have enough to live.
And now...I find myself in one of these impossible situations yet again. And yet again there is no way to overcome it. From a young age, I noticed something was very peculiar about me.
When other girls talked about how attractive some of the boys were, how their muscles were sculpted and their height I did not care, not even a bit. As a matter of fact, I hadn't even noticed. I could acknowledge a man's beauty but not because I wanted to see more of it. I could acknowledge it the way I could call a flower pretty. So I would just pick a random boy and tell them that's the one I liked. I could appreciate a fair girl way more. I would call a girl very pretty and my mother -assuming I was jealous- would try to calm me by saying that I was prettier. Perhaps I was but she was too!
It was only around my adolescence years that I did not desire to feel a man's touch. Not even a good man's. I wanted to feel my lips on another girl's, I wanted one to lift up my skirts. I warned one-
I know, I am abnormal and a freak and something the gods probably despise. Men share beds sometimes but a woman has to get married and bear children, or so they say.
My only concern though is that she isn't.
"I am not abnormal, Briseis"
I mean, at that time I was happy she wasn't. I was scared to my core.
I know she slew people where I lived, she slays my people everyday. And that, I am unsure if I will ever be able to forgive her for. But she has been kind to me, kinder than anyone has ever been. And she is beautiful. Oh gods, she is. She doesn't look real. She has this essence, this ethereal one. She and her brother and fully look human, not like the rest of us do. Her hair and eyes are colours I have never seen before. I could stare into her eyes forever, olive green, forests and mountains.
And the way she moves- It's otherworldly. Every single movement is as if she had planned it perfectly, she didn't of course, she didn't need to. She has little spots on her face, I don't know what they are looked but they look like...little grains of sand in a pool of water.
And she is perfect. Not just her movements but her, every part of her being is extraordinary. She, a woman is one of the greatest warriors thar ever lived, no man who ever lived except her brother could be compared to her. Men doubt her abilities because of her gender but she does not care one bit. And her magic... seeing it unfold it was unlike everything I have ever seen. I can see why she is partly embarrassed of it but it is...I don't think there exact words fit to describe it.
Not that I wouldn't admire her if she didn't have any talents at all, of course I would. But her being born without any talents would have been unlikely. As Patroclus told me their mother is a nymph, a Nereid. When the blood of gods runs through your vains there is no way that you won't be different than the others.
And her character, it's exceptional. She makes small gestures at times that perhaps wouldn't couldn't cause a feeling to anyone else but it did to me. She asked for my name
my name. I am aware that it must have been our of curiosity and that only and although I believe that in that moment it made my heart beat fast.
Speaking of Patroclus. As a friend, I very much value him. He is soft-spoken and kind and very respective in comparison to other men. But in general...I hate him or I envy him, or both. She has never spoke of this but she honestly doesn't need to. The way she looks at him, the way she talks, the tone of voice significantly becomes lower. It evokes a strange feeling inside me, like my blood boiling.
Maybe I am stupid but so is she. I understand why I couldn't never have her, she a princess and a warrior, her reputation matters. But him? Why him of all men? He is pretty but not the most handsome I have ever seen. And he lies with her brother! Her brother for gods's sake. I could think of at least ten more attractive men in this very camp.

But honestly, I don't want it to be any man, I want it to be me. But who am I? A girl from a random village and she is a princess who fights in perhaps one of the greatest wars that have ever been. I suppose I should be greatful to even be her friend but being close to her...It makes it even worse. A few days ago she said I should give Alcimedon a chance. Because he is humble and or polite or whatever. I wanted to scream but all I did is simply explain that I am not interested. They wondered why I haven't just chosen one like the other girls. I wish I could, I wish my life could be that easy, to just fall in love with a man. But the gods made me something to hate, something I even hate.
Is it better to speak or to die?
A/N:YES THIS LINE IS FROM CMBYN AND A 16TH CENTURY ROMANCE BOOK.