Aristoi Achaion [A the song of Achilles fanfiction] 2

Chapter 34

"[...] You think you don't want to ever see her again but trust me, you don't want that"

-Psamathe, to Thetis after what happened.

A/N: Alexa play Army dreamers.

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As a woman, when at twenty-six you haven't got married or had any children there is a sticking chance that you well...won't. Simply because if you were to marry, that would have surely happened more than ten years before that. It means you were probably meant for a greater cause, that the gods didn't make an exception for you. Unless you ruin it all for yourself, that is.

I remember my thirteen year old self. That sweet girl, that even though sweet was so full of herself and sometimes annoying. Craving attention like a drunken man craves more wine.The girl that was afraid her brother may not care for her, she would have been so sick of me. She would have laughed in my face but then cry realizing what she will do.

I remember my fifteen year old self, a girl exploring the world -or part of it- for the first time. The girl who had her first crush and for whatever reason decided to do the first move. What was she thinking? But who am I to judge?

I remember my sixteen year old self. She was better than the other two, more open minded. That poor girl had to leave what she considered home to go to war, she was scared and excited, and excited and scared. She went on a whole mission to get her brother back, the brother that she will betray. She defended her friend and ,subconsciously, mocked a fifteen year old girl for the mistakes she made by choosing a certain path. At least she was only fifteen, you are more than just a woman grown.

And lastly, my five year old self, I scarcely remember. I am jealous of her, and,simultaneously, I pity her. She doesn't know what's to come, but at the same time...She doesn't know what's to come. Whenever she is having nightmares she can ask for her mother, she just went through something that seemed like a nightmare a few days ago but she can't ask for her mother now.
It'd a weird feeling, when you are hurt, you need your parents but sometimes this applies even if they hurt you.
My sweet girl. Cippe. Daughter. Whore.
The evolution of all the things she called me that evening haunt me.

Grieving my youth was one thing, planning the parody I called my wedding was another. Patroclus and Achilles talked to Chalhas about the ceremony. He said he would be happy to say the words over us but the shock on his face was very obvious. (Achilles wouldn't have been there had his permission not been needed).
I could perhaps find a dress if I wanted to but I had many -way too elaborate-
that I hadn't worn. Surely one of them will do, I didn't care much anyway.
All the days we spent planning that, my mind felt like a hazzard. My brother ignored us and every single moment I spend with the person that used to my dearest,most trusted friend had been reduced to one awkward conversation after the other. And the constant fatigue certainly doesn't help.
My only solace was visiting Briseis. She is well, a bit lonely perhaps but that was all. I will never forget the look on her face when I whispered the news to her. She didn't say much but it was obvious she wasn't happy either. "Its going to be okay" she said taking my hand in hers but we both know my life wouldn't be the same. She wished me luck on the baby and expressed that she would love to help me with everything that comes with it if she can. She hugged me which truly helped, I hadn't had a hug in a while.
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