Aristoi Achaion [A the song of Achilles fanfiction] 2

Chapter 32

We spent several weeks together, we didn't share a bed again, well, not as lovers do. We visited Briseis, she said she was well and thankfully it seemed like she was. Surprisingly, Agamemnon allowed us to visit her whenever we wanted, which was unexpected. We didn't tell her, about what happened. What were we supposed to say anyway? I felt terrible. If she knew she would most likely be saddened. She would tell me I deserve better and she wouldn't be wrong I suppose.

My brother spent much time alone in his tent. Even when after some time he reached out to some people, he avoided us. I was glad on the one hand, facing him again after that we did...But on the other hand, it was evident that he was hurting too. He hadn't really seen me or Patroclus in weeks...Little did he know...

Camp remained as it always was. The others were marching for war every day but we we stayed by the beach. Perhaps I should have been glad, that there was finally some leisure time. But I wasn't. More than anything, I felt completely empty, vacant.
We were the greatest force of the Greek army, many innocent men would die without us. I wished I could turn back time, but did I? It was everything I've wanted all these years and now that I had a taste of it, I hated myself completely. Is that how weak I am? Briseis being taken did bring me great grief and the last time I saw Achilles, I felt my world was crumbling down. What harm could it do? Crumbling it a bit more, just a little?
A/N: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T HATE ME AFTER THAT ITS FOR PLOT REASONS PLSSSSSSSS

I felt a bit weird these days. It was different than I've ever felt before. I blamed the sadness at first, the grief, or at least I hoped it was the grief. I wouldn't allow myself to come to terms that...It probably has nothing to do with my feelings. 
Every morning the sheets were clean, not a single trace of what I hoped to see.
Bleed. Bleed. Bleed. I begged. Who? I do not know. Anyone that would listen. My  breathing became heavy and the tears started running. The moon was half-full last night- It should have come.
I quickly whipped the tears when I heard Patroclus's footsteps.
"I was hoping we could talk" he expressed.
"Uh, I was hoping the same actually" I tried limit the expressions on my face.
He came closer, the way a parent tries to hug their child before revealing the death of a loved one.
I watched him, knowing he felt the same as I did about that night.
"What we did..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "We shouldn't have" he looked down and then away.
"I know" I whispered, I felt that if I raised my voice to talk in a normal tone, I would break.
"Cippe, I really, really care about you." His eyes were wide almost like a puppy's.
"But I don't think I am meant to be your reason" he shrugged.
"What reason?" I asked, not understanding what he meant by using that word.
"The reason you are happy" he explained. He was right, if he was meant to be mine I would be happy now. But it was too late to even think about feelings.
"You are right" I forced to smile, slightly blinking to force the tears away.
"My heart belongs to him. No matter what he does" a few tears escaped his eyes.
I nodded, trying to process everything.
"Are you alright?" He asked. NO.NO.NO. I AM NOT. "I didn't mean to hurt you"
"Yes I- I understand" I shifted my gaze, avoiding his face.
"You seemed like you wished to tell me something. I wouldn't mind listening" he smiled sadly.
"It really doesn't matter, it not worth knowing, really" I lied.
"I do not wish to pressure you but if you intended to tell me, I am sure it is. We were friends once. I do not know if we can still be called that..." He looked around.
"Patroclus, it really doesn't matter. Not anymore" I tried to assure him while trying to leave the tent. I wasn't ready to deal with that.
He softly grabbed my arm. "Are you really alright?"he maintained eye contact.
I looked away, a million thoughs in my mind. I felt like I was suffocating, even though I was breathing in an uncomfortably quick pace.
"I am pregnant" I finally revealed.
He took a step back and run his hands through his hair.
"Are you sure?"
"Well one can't he exactly sure but I haven't bled in a long time" I shrugged.
He was breathing so heavily I could see his chest expanding.
"But we shouldn't worry about it" I tried to calm him down. "I know what to do"
"What do you mean?" He asked worried.
"I know a way" I rolled my watery eyes.
"You could hurt yourself"
"I will inevitably. But it's still early, I'll be fine"
"Alcippe, we can talk about this..." He knew there was nothing to talk about. Perhaps he hasn't even managed to believe it.
"There was nothing to talk about and you know it" I slightly raised my arms.
"Just please be careful" he warned me.
"I will" I nodded.
A/N: Tw: @bortion (?) skip until the next A/N.

I quickly left the tent we shared and entered my own. I grabbed the small jar containing salt, and another one filled with a herbal tea I had made. I had understood that even though my talent could save lives it could also take them.
I began walking towards the forest and when I was sure I was far enough I finally stopped.
I created a circle using the salt on the ground, then I stopped into it and sat on the humid grass.
I hesitated at first but then I drunk the tea. All that was left to do was say the words. It's okay, Alcippe you can do it. Its just not even a child yet it's just a creation. You will bleed a bit but then you will he fine. It will be like the monthly bleed.
I knew I had do. There was no other choice. Only Patroclus and I would know that night ever happened. If I didn't do it, I would be disgraced. I am a princess, I need to keep my good name, at all costs.

I felt tears forming, I was pathetic, I couldn't even say some stupid words.
I took a moment to look at the sky. The threes weren't really tall so much of it was visible. It was early evening, a beautiful, clear, evening sky.
"Hera, daughter of Cronus. You, who protects and values family above all, I beg you, tell me: should this become a child I call my own? Or should I free myself and erase all evidence of that night?" I spoke a prayer. Expending absolutely nothing. I was sure the queen of the gods had more important matter to attend to than me.

Suddenly, I heard a sound: a single breeze blowing by. That was really strange. It was not at all windy that day. I turned around, a part of the circle had been completely destroyed by the breeze. Wonderful, I thought. I asked for a sign and I received one. I whispered a thanks to not sound ungrateful. I wasn't ungrateful. I was just puzzled. What plan could the gods possible have for me? I slowly reached for my belly. It was a strange feeling, knowing that there is something growing inside it. But for reason, there was a strong feeling inside me, as if I was prepared to go to great lengths for it.
I messed up the circle and walked back to camp.

A/N: It's all right now:)))

"Are you alright? Did it go well?" Patroclus asked the moment I entered the tent. Worry all over his face.
I took a deep breath. I didn't exactly fear his reaction but whatever that could be, I would accept it.
"Please, Alcippe, tell me. I wouldn't bare to see you hurt"
I swallowed. "I didn't do it, I couldn't"
"Oh..." He looked down.
"Forgive me..." I begun.
"No" he took my hand in his. "We are both equally responsible for this. Its only right that...Would you like to marry me? For the child. I am sure if we ask Achilles he will eventually agree..." His voice grew faint as I heard another one.

"Ask me what?" My brother was standing at the door.