Broad Love

Chapter Nine

~Dan~

Fuck emotions. Fuck them all. Fuck sadness, fuck happiness, and especially fuck love. For the past month, I had been going in between crying over Phil, laughing with PJ, and being fucked up the ass by my friend. My insides were sore from feeling so much and I think I might have exploded already if it weren't for the temporary calmness when I'm asleep. I feel like a ticking time bomb, as though I might explode any second now.

To top it all off, my emotions were confused as well. I no longer know what is love and what is friendship. What if I'm the problem? What if I've never had any mates and now I keep thinking I'm in love with them? What if there's something wrong with me? Those were the very thoughts that plagued me at night.

Just when I thought I couldn't be more broken inside, I saw that Phil sent me an email. Since I never really check my inbox anymore, the email was two and a half weeks old. I hope it wasn't important.... When I opened it, I saw a very long message and chuckled to myself. At least some things haven't changed. As I started to read it, however, I stopped laughing. Most of it was just updates about how he and Cat had been getting along which I really couldn't care less about, but at the end of it all, he said he had an important announcement. Cat was pregnant. I could physically feel my heart shatter into pieces. What could've been mine was now officially lost. I just sat there in shocked silence, no more tears to shed.

I thought about it a lot now. The official statement that Phil was destined to be with someone else. Honestly, I never took his marriage to Cat seriously. I was happy for them, but deep down I felt it was wrong. I had hoped that maybe Phil would realize that eventually. Instead, he is now in charge of a life that he helped create with the woman he loves. Strangely, I didn't feel as sad, not even angry. It was almost like my last hope was gone and now I was clueless. The last drop of emotion and effort I put into my feelings toward Phil was obliterated; I felt empty. He's going to live his life and you should try to live yours. PJ's words from the first night rang in my ear and I couldn't help but agree with him.

PJ confessed his love for me that night, and I never said anything back; I still haven't actually. I think it's because I didn't know how I felt about him. Whether it was because of Phil or because of myself, I never came to a conclusion on how I felt about PJ. Now, with Phil officially far from my sights, I could focus on that. The curly haired boy with dazzling green eyes and breakfast-making dance moves like no one has seen, the creative and sweet boy that supported me and loved me more than anyone else, the boy who had been living right beside me the whole time and I never stopped for a moment to notice him. That boy. Do I- do I love him too? That thought shocked me more than it should have, but I think it was true. I planned to tell him soon after I realized this, knowing from experience what would happen if I didn't.

We were sitting on the sofa watching Sherlock. It was late at night and something deep inside of me was urging me to tell PJ about how I felt. To be honest, it couldn't be any less romantic. After just have finishing a pizza with garlic bread sitting in our sweatpants with k-pop distantly playing from my room, the moment should be all but dead. But what the fuck does my gut know about romance anyway? So, I took a deep breath and turned to PJ.

"Peej?"

He turned his head toward me. "Yeah?"

"Well, we've been living together for quite some time now and I just wanted to say-" My sentence was cut short by the sound of our doorbell. I sighed heavily. "Never mind, I'll tell you later." Once again, my gut had been wrong. I was furious at the interruption and was about ready to scream at whoever was at the door, but then I opened it.