Broad Love

Chapter Sixteen

~Phil~

Did that actually just happen? I was sitting in the office, which had been made into my makeshift room, staring at the wall trying to comprehend all that Dan had said to me. He can definitely get angry, I know that the best of all, and yet he didn't this time. Everything he said to me was in a calm tone as if he had come to terms with it already. I almost preferred that he yelled at me, just to make me sure that not everything was different, that things could go back to normal. But Dan is different now, and so am I. But I wish we weren't.

Everything that he said to me was true, and even if it hurts I can't just ignore that and feel sorry for myself. I may have a few pitiful excuses, but none of them change the fact that I left Dan when he needed help the most. When he told me that he could have died but I wouldn't have known because I was "too busy trying to cut him out of my life", I was shocked. I was too caught up in living my own life and making things better for me, too caught up in making sure no one ever found out I was in love with Dan, that I never looked at Dan's problems in the right light. I've been called childish before, but this time I actually was.

I was still contemplating when I started to hear gross noises coming from down the hall. It was no doubt Dan and PJ going at it again, they were even noisier than the neighbors downstairs. Plus Dan's moaning didn't really help the fact that I was trying to think about him in a serious way. Then I remembered that the only reason I came to terms with my affection for Dan was because of wet dreams. Oh, the irony.

When they finally stopped, it was too late. I had already started imagining myself to be in PJ's place one more time; to know the feel of Dan's smooth skin on my lips and the gentle slopes and curves of his figure. Just to taste that boy one last time and trace my fingertips over my favourite parts of his body. He was all soft features, and it was like fiery warmth washing over me to take in his beauty. No matter how many times someone could saw how gorgeous he was, it would never add up to the truth. Dan Howell is utter perfection, and no one can take that thought away from me. Not even Dan.

I should have known that thinking of Dan was a bad idea, and when I looked down at myself I wasn't really surprised to see a tent in my trousers. I sighed heavily and stood up carefully, basically crawling to the shower where I ran the water ice cold to solve my little "problem". But on my way, I saw that the door to Dan's room was open a little, so out of curiosity, I looked in. On his bed lay him and PJ, with Peej sleeping and snuggling into Dan and Dan laying in his arms. But he wasn't sleeping at all. In fact, his eyes were wide open and he looked distressed, like he wasn't content with his surroundings. I wanted to take a closer look, but being clumsy me I tripped and nearly got myself caught. So I quickly ran back over to the bathroom and tried to stay silent so Dan wouldn't get out of bed wondering if I was peeping on him.

I sat back against the bathroom door, breathing heavily and waiting till Dan found me. Luckily, he never did. I stood up and brushed myself off, a small smile creeping in from the corners of my mouth. I really shouldn't have been smiling, but I was. I was smiling because maybe, just maybe, there was a small chance that I could be with Dan. If he wasn't happy, I could make him happy. After all, we'd lived together for so long that I know exactly how to make him smile. And if I could do so by loving him openly, then maybe I could be happy too.