Broad Love

Chapter Seventeen

~Dan~

"Who's Chris?"

PJ stopped what he was doing and looked at me. "What?"

"I asked who Chris was. You have his phone number in your coat pocket."

"Oh, he's an actor I met at the shop last night. I was thinking of casting him in role."

"Oh." I put the slip of paper back in my boyfriend's pocket and sat down on the sofa with him. "Why didn't you tell me you met an actor?"

"Well," he chuckled. "We were a bit busy doing other things to talk about business ops."

I blushed, like I always do when someone brings up sex with me. "Oh yeah, right." We sat there for a few minutes, me leaning into Peej and his arm wrapped around me in silence. But it seemed different this time. The silence was no longer comfortable; it was heavy like a curtain waiting to reveal some big secret. Though neither of us did anything about it.

After a while, PJ stood up. "Well, I best be off."

"Where to?" I asked, sad that my warm pillow was leaving.

"I got a meeting with Chris, that actor dude." He started to put on his coat, the very one I had found his number in.

"Okay. When will you be back?"

"I dunno. We might go do something afterwards, so probably late. Will you be okay?" PJ asked, just about to walk out of the door.

"Yeah." I lied. "I'll be fine." And with that, he was gone.

It felt so familiar when he left. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was like I had experienced something like this before. I looked at my watch; 6:39. No doubt they would talk about films and other stuff over dinner, leaving me to cook dinner for Phil and I. And by Peej not inviting me to meet him later on, it must have meant they were going to a pub. I put my phone on high volume so if he called me needing a ride back I could get him one. I sighed, wishing it wasn't like this.

PJ loves people. He loves being in public, he loves talking with others, and I don't. I don't know if you would call me an introvert, but Peej is definitely and extrovert. When I told him that I don't like going out as much, he was fine with it. But he still goes out on his own, usually to pubs that I can't go to. We already spend a lot of time together, being flat mates and all, but I just wished for something more. When he was gone and Phil hadn't moved back in yet, I felt lonely again. But what I realized, between now and then, was that it wasn't just loneliness, and it wasn't just when Peej was gone. I was sad all the time, and sometimes I just had no motivation to do things. Even when I was happy, there was lingering feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, and later I felt almost guilty for being happy for once. It scared me.

I never told anyone what I was feeling, but then again I never told anyone about my feelings ever. I was in no way manly, but sharing my feelings have never been the best way to go in the past. I told Phil that I loved him and look where we are now, strangers living in the same house. The more I thought about him, the sadder I got. It was like someone had taken hold of my heart and crushed it slowly, just to enjoy the pain in my eyes. I got the sudden urge to jump out of the window, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. Thoughts like that had been more common, but I dealt with it.

The hours ticked by and I was feeling worse by the minute. I had no clue why I was so upset tonight of all the nights I was left alone. And then it hit me. The reason why I felt like shit was the same reason PJ leaving me was so familiar. It was like when Phil would leave for his dates. I'm not just sad, I'm scared. I'm so damn afraid of PJ replacing me in his life with another guy, just like Phil did with Cat. A sudden wave of emotion poured all over me and I started to cry. Why is it that no one wants me? Why am I not good enough? Is it me? Am I not able to be loved? WHY?! I cried louder, pushing a throw pillow into my face to try and quiet the sobs, but it was no use.

A thought came to me then. A solution to my problems, the one I had been using since I was eighteen. A stood up shakily and made my way to the fridge, opening it slowly as if I knew that I shouldn't be doing what I was about to. Just as I thought there would be, three cases of Peej's favourite beers were lined up neatly exactly where he left them. At first, I thought that he would be disappointed in me for breaking my clean streak, but then I remembered that he doesn't care. No one cares. So as I poured the amber liquid into my mouth, I had no regret.

One case gone, onto the next. I couldn't stop myself. All my self control had gone out the window along with my sanity, so who was I to have a clear mind? It goes without saying that I was drunk. Hammered. Completely smashed and I didn't give a fuck. But when I reached for my bottle on the coffee table, it fell off and broke, tiny pieces scattering everywhere.

"Shit!" I swore, dodging the brown shards nearly flying at me. I looked down at the mess I made and sighed. Look what you've done, Dan. You fucked up. Just like you always do. The words rang in my ears so loud, I wish I could have blocked it out. But I couldn't, because you can't hide from the truth. In the corner of my eye, I saw the lamp light shine off of a particularly sharp piece of glass and I picked it up.

It was smooth on most of it, but when I turned it over an edge sliced a bit of my skin open and released the dark red blood. It hurt as first, but then it was almost soothing, just to know that I was alive and I could bleed like any normal human being, and the steady pulse in my thumb where the cut was was relaxing. I took the shard again, gripping it tightly in my hands, and placed the sharpest edge to my forearm. I knew people who talked about cutting themselves. I didn't think I would ever be one of them. But there I was, crying silently and sitting on the floor of my lounge, wanting to feel anything, anything at all and settling for pain. I looked up at the ceiling as the glass slid across my skin, white hot nerves surging through my veins. I thought of Phil and everything that we've talked about over the years that we've been friends, but only one thing could come to mind.

"I'm- I'm sorry."