Broad Love

Chapter Eighteen

~Phil~

I was very content on just staying in my room the entire night. To be honest, the only thing that didn't hurt my brain to think about was scrolling through tumblr and sitting on my bed, ignoring the rest of the world. Then, for some reason, I had a strange urge to check up on Dan. Call it a gut feeling, but I needed to see what he was up to.

Peej told me that he was leaving to meet up with an actor about half an hour before he left, so I knew that it was just going to be me and Dan in the flat alone. Another reason why I wanted to stay in my room. Even if Dan didn't look happy last night and I want to try and get him back, it's not worth ruining the relationship they have. Dan was considerate enough to let me live my life with Cat, so I'll let him live his life with PJ. If it comes to an end, great. If it lasts forever, then so be it.

I closed my laptop and got out of bed, padding my miss-matched socked feet to the door. It opened creaking and the shrill sound nearly pierced my ears. Then it was quiet.

"Dan?" I yelled down the hall, my heart racing. Why am I so worried?

"Dan?" I called again, making my way down the passage. "Are you alright?" When I turned the corner, it was like I had walked into a brick wall. Sitting on the floor against the sofa was Dan, holding a shard of glass and crying, his arms cut open and bleeding everywhere. At first I didn't move. I thought it was a scene from a film; there was no way that my Dan could be endangering his own life. "DAN!"

His head turned towards me and he let out a sob, looking down at himself. He gripped the shard a little harder and I rushed to him, ripping the piece of glass out of his hand and holding him tightly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, careful enough to not touch his arms but tight enough so he couldn't reach the glass. Dan's head fell onto my shoulder and he sobbed into my jumper; I pet the back of his head and soothed him.

"Shh." I cooed. "It's okay, everything's going to be alright. Take a deep breath Dan. It's- it's alright." I was starting to cry too, but I choked back the tears. Dan didn't need me to cry, he needed someone to cry onto and I was that person. He was my strength for so many years, but now I have to be his.

"I'm sorry Phil. I couldn't take it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He just kept on repeating his apologies in between sobs, now tightly holding onto my back. I didn't know what to do or how to reply, so I let him. "You- you must hate me."

"No, I don't."

"You're disappointed then."

"No, Dan. I'm not. It doesn't matter what caused you to do this or how intense it was to me, it was enough of a reason for you. You've been so strong for so long, I can't blame you for finally snapping. But just because you snapped, it doesn't mean you're broken. We're all a little fucked up, some more than others, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're a very good person whose strength was used so much that it became weak when it was your own problems. So no, I'm not disappointed. I'm understanding."

Dan stopped sobbing and looking up at me. "Thank you. It's just, it's been so hard."

"I know it has been. But why don't we clean you up now and see where the conversation takes us? Your arms must hurt an awful lot, don't they?" He nodded slowly. "Okay. Then let's get up." I stood up carefully and helped Dan to the bathroom, still not letting go of him.

Warm water washed away the blood and I watched it swirl down the sink like it was strawberry lemonade and not my love's own life. His arms were wrapped tightly and the bleeding reduced after a bit of time; he never even flinched when I accidentally touched the cuts, the soldier. Thank God he cut horizontally instead of vertically. With so many cuts, I'm sure that he would have bleed to death otherwise.

I still couldn't get over how incredibly lucky I was to find Dan before he actually came close to...I didn't even want to think about it. I never want him out of my life. I may have cut him out of it before, when I was stupid and blinded by Cat, but at least I knew he was still there if I needed him. It was comforting to know that my best friend would always be there if I needed him. A quote came to my mind: "If you live to be one-hundred, I hope to live to be one-hundred minus a day, so I never have to live without you." I thought it fit pretty well. Suddenly I realized that that's exactly how Dan felt, and I left him. Right then and there, I made up my mind to never leave him again. I didn't care if he never felt love for me ever again, I would be there for him always. Because that's what you do when you love someone. You put aside everything to make sure that they are happy, even when you aren't. And at that moment, I didn't care if he loved me back. I just wanted Dan to be happy.