Broad Love

Chapter Fourteen

~Dan~

I couldn't tell whether the events that unfolded were a blessing or a curse, and it was annoying the hell out of me. My best friend for years was finally back and had gotten rid of that toxic girl and PJ was sort of my boyfriend. It seemed great, but underneath it all I was still so confused about my feelings for both of them. Had I gotten over Phil? I was so sure that I did, but seeing his smile specifically reserved for me alone made me rethink the past few months. PJ was amazing of course, in more ways than one, and I did love him. But I also loved Phil. And I loved them for different reasons so I could never figure out which one I felt more towards. But I know that PJ loves me with all my heart, so I'm going to try and not let him down.

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PJ was actually a great boyfriend. He was so caring and loving, I'm surprised I never felt that way about him before. The only thing about him is that he loves being social. WE go out in public all the time and he never seems to get tired of attention and people. I'll go out to the pub for an hour (which I'm not allowed to do anymore, thanks AA) and be drained completely. But not Peej. He would stay out all night if he could. He's also so passionate. Every little thing he does for his YouTube channel or for other things he pours his entire heart into it. It's quite amazing actually.

When Phil moved back in, he seemed fine with it, too. Although technically he's not moved back in yet. Just "waiting for an available space". He's basically part of our family again though. However on the first morning after his fight with Cat, he acted strange. A little sadder, a little quieter. I didn't really know why, it wasn't like him. He was also asking some odd questions. We were sitting in the lounge playing a game and Peej was out buying groceries when Phil piped up.

"Dan?" Phil asked whilst looking down at his hands.

"Ye?"

"Are you and Peej...you know...boyfriends?"

I thought for a second before answering him. "Yeah, I guess you could say we are."

"For how long?" The tone of his voice was a little curious with a bit of suspicion tangled in it, making his intentions with these answers a complete mystery to me.

"Let's see, you got here about two weeks ago...so that would make it I dunno, a month? Maybe a month and a half? I kind lost track."

"Have you said 'I love you' to him yet?"

"Phil where the hell are these questions coming from?" I put down my controller and looked at him, seeing he was playing with a string on the end of his shirt.

"I dunno. I was just wondering." There was an awkward silence between us, something that had been more common than usual. "You guys really love each other, you know that?"

I stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds, not expecting him to say that at all. Finally I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I really love him. He was there for me when it got really bad, you know. Living alone. He set me up with the AA meetings and moved in so I wouldn't be lonely. He's a real friend." I didn't intend for it to sound cold, but a bit of bitterness I didn't know existed came out in my voice and surprised both Phil and I.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that it would be like that." He whispered.

"Phil, that's kinda the point. You didn't know because you weren't there. No one was there. I could have died and you wouldn't even had known because you were too busy trying to cut me out of your life. Even though Cat is a pretty shitty person and you can finally see that now, that doesn't excuse you for being a dick. I did love you, Phil. And you loved me too but instead of facing your emotions like a man, you hid from them and tried to erase everything that happened between us. I just don't get it." I sounded surprisingly calm for how angry and hurt my words were, and I felt more mature than ever.

I expected Phil to look like he was going to start crying, but he just looked confused. "I'm sorry Dan, but I never thought that things would end up like this. About a year ago, I was so in love with you that I couldn't think straight or even walk straight-"

"To be fair nothing about that was straight."

"Shut up Dan I'm trying to be serious. What I'm trying to say is that if I could do it all over again, I would. I would tell you that I loved you from the start and maybe I would be your boyfriend-or hell, maybe even husband instead of PJ. But I can't do it over and that sucks for both of us, so I'm sorry." Without another word, he stood up and headed off to his make-shift room, our office. I didn't follow him, and I didn't question him. That chapter was done.

About fifteen minutes later, PJ came home with three bags of groceries and a large pepperoni pizza. He set down the bags and kissed me sweetly when I walked up to greet him, twirling my hands in his. The little touch made me smile, as it always does, and I remembered how much he loves to hold my hands and how much I love that about him.

"I'm back." He murmured into my ear.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." I mumbled back sarcastically.

"It something wrong? You seem kinda grumpy." PJ let go of me and opened the box of pizza, eyeing a particularly cheesy slice. He pulled it out without realizing how hot it was and shoved it in his mouth, strings of cheese falling from his lips.

I debated with myself whether to tell him about the discussion I had with Phil earlier. I always told him about these things, but now that he was my boyfriend everything was different. I didn't want him to think that I was feeling things for Phil again, so instead I kept my mouth shut. "It's nothing, Peej." I said eventually. "I'm just stressed."

He handed me a slice of pizza and grinned evilly. "You know, I watched this video with Tyler Oakley and some emo dude and they talked about how Obama unwinds, I say we should try it out and see how it works for you..." He trailed off his sentence and quirked his eyebrows, making me laugh and turned on at the same time.

"Well that emo dude does sound pretty trustworthy." I grinned back. I pushed all of my thoughts about Phil to the side and tried to focus on my boyfriend, the man I loved. We ate pizza for a few minutes, but after that we went to my bedroom and engaged in some activities before falling asleep. But even as I lay naked in his arms, the last thing I thought of before sleep washed over me was Phil. I knew that this wouldn't be as easy as I hoped for.