Brave New Life

Deciding to Change

I think there comes a moment in every person's life where they realize that something has to change. Some times those moments are monumental, a death in the family, loss of a special relationship, a serious injury or breakdown, etc. For me, that moment was much smaller in comparison. I was—for what felt like the millionth time in the last eight months—crying while cleaning a toilet. 

The catalyst for the crying this time around was missing out on a promotion at work. Again. Although I had been crying the past eight month previously because my husband had decided he was tired of me and wanted a divorce. Those were pitiful, self-loathing, and vengeful fueled tears— lacking of any self-reflection or intent to change. 

No, the tears this time felt like an all-time-low. My self-loathing was at an all time low. I couldn't stop thinking, why is this happening to me? I felt like I was being personally victimized. By my managers at work, by my husband, and by the universe itself. 

In that moment I did something I sometimes do to temporarily feel better. I put on motivational speeches to listen to. The free ones on Spotify, with the inspirational battle-ground type music in the background and the occasional yelling. You know the type. The type of speeches that are genuinely inspiring and motivational, but ultimately grandiose and unrealistic for long-term change in life.  The high and determination gained from these speeches are very short-lived, and I found myself annoyed by lunch time that I could no longer find any drive to work on myself.

The next day I decided to take a different approach and try a "self improvement" book. I figured at the least, I'd have a longer listen that would keep me motivated a little longer than a couple speeches from people I could in no way relate to. The book I chose was the short, sweet, and to the point, "How to Make Sh*t Happen" by Sean Whalen. I like a direct and sort-of mean wake up call type of motivation, and this one hour-eighteen minute book was just that. It was an easy listen on Audible while I cleaned toilets at work. The book was a nice kick in the rear for the next couple of days, but after that I found myself restless again. 

Desperate for more motivation, I picked a similar title to listen to next. A little longer, and slightly less mean—but still to the point, "Unfu*k Yourself" by Gary John Bishop. Between these two titles I was able to maintain quite a bit of motivation for the entire week. I made sure I exercised every day, ate right, and made my bed (something I loathe and cannot for the life of me see reason in doing- but so many motivational speakers say to do it anyway). 

When my motivation stated to wane again and I realized I'd gone several days without eating right, exercising, or making my bed—you guessed it,  I decided to listen to a new book. I started by re-listening to Sean Whalen's book, because I remembered him suggesting a book that made a large impact on him. The book was, "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. This book was much longer and entirely based around self-reflection and acceptance as a means to improvement. I only finished this title today, and although it sometimes made me roll my eyes and think the recommended exercises were silly, I realized that ultimately Debbie was right. If I can accept and love every ugly part of myself, then I can really start changing my mindset and then my life in turn. Don't get me wrong—Debbie isn't all flowers and rainbows and everything's going to be okay no matter what— she forces you to look deep within yourself and face things you'd rather die than admit. After reading her book, I knew that this time, I am determined to create the future I want for myself, no matter how ugly that process. If you're truly trying to change on a fundamental level like I am, then I cannot recommend her book enough.  

Now that you're up to speed, my following daily entrees will mostly be much shorter than this introduction. My only goal in writing this is to have my own motivation to work towards the life I want every day, rather than continuing to rely on external sources. I do intent to keep listening to my "mean" motivational speakers, and the introspective advice from people who have truly changed their lives in unimaginable ways. I believe that no matter how brief the motivation from these external sources may be, there are still invaluable lessons to be learned. I intend to listen to at least one chapter a day of a self-improvement, self-discipline, introspective, or job related improvement type of book. Every day, I will write an entry here about what I learned from my books, and I will list at least three things I did that day to better my tomorrow. Every now and then, I may give progress reports, a bit of background story, or just share some thoughts I had that day. Without further ado:

Today 7/7 

What I did to better my tomorrow:

-Finished "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford

-Ate healthy

-Started this Blog

What I learned today:

When you allow all the parts of yourself (good and bad) to come to the surface—to be completely vulnerable—you'll meet your true self. Yourself is enough. Yourself is capable and worthy of going after the life you want no matter how bad the bad parts of yourself are. Having both "good" and "bad" traits is to be human, embracing both, is how you love yourself and those around you. "To express our individuality is to reclaim our divinity." - Debbie Ford.

Til Tomorrow my brave comrades, 

-C.