Brave New Life

Day two, feels like two-hundred

I am the problem. This is what every self-help book and motivational speaker will tell you. Whether they are direct about it or take a gentler lead-you-to-that-conclusion-on-your-own approach. They're right. I am the problem. I've always known it, despite the many things I've told myself over the years to justify my bad habits and the near-constant overwhelming positive affirmations from outsiders when you try to speak negatively about yourself. I. am. the. problem. 

At this point you might be wondering, "what's so wrong with you? "Sure your husband wants to leave you and you got passed up on for a promotion, no big deal—there's other men and jobs out there right?" Very technically, you are right. However, that is a very lazy answer. Leaving my job of four and a half years just because I'm upset? Lazy. Moving on from my broken marriage before it's even legally over just because I'm lonely and desperate? Lazy. Granted, I do plan to find a new job, but for reasons I'll get into later that are also entirely my own doing. 

Without beating around the bush or any grand flare, here's a very brutally honest list of everything "wrong" with me that has caused issues and held me back in my life.  Some of this you might relate to, a lot of it you may judge me for. Go ahead, I don't even know you. 

I am: Lazy, unhealthy and fat, addicted to TV, addicted to pornography and sex (that's right and I'm a girl too- yes we exist), constantly negative, depressed, anxious, anti-social/socially awkward, and a bitch. Additionally, I drink too much and have developed the bad habit of smoking pot or taking an edible nearly every night. 

I know, it's a fun and seemingly contradictory list. How can someone be a bitch and also anti-social? Well, if Debbie Ford is to be believed, we are everything. Every human trait lives within us. At first, I thought this concept was crazy, but the longer that I have sat with the idea, the more I believe it. If you are everything and so is everyone else, then you can more easily accept negative traits in yourself and others and relate more to the world around you. Of course, you have to find the good in those supposedly negative traits before you can accept them, but I am not here to summarize her entire book for you. I highly recommend you read it and really sit with the concepts. 

I could go on and on about everything wrong with me. I could probably give you a decent excuse as to why I am those things as well. I could tell you about my neglectful and abusive childhood and really garner sympathy and acceptance. I refuse to do that anymore. So I won't be telling you about my childhood, at least not any time soon and not as an excuse for my behavior. So anyway, without further ado:

Today 7/8

What I did to better my tomorrow:

-Started a new book. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey.

-I got up and made my bed. I still have absolutely no idea why this is something I need to do and I probably never will. 

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like nothing you do picks your energy up? No amount of positive thinking, good social interaction, or caffeine does anything for you? Well that was my day today, but guess what?

-I exercised when I got home. I put on an episode of "beach hut bargain hunt" to fantasize about my future beach house while I hit the elliptical. I was exhausted and put bare minimum work into my day up to this point and was trying desperately to come up with reasons not to do it. Eventually, I told myself I'd just do it for the twenty minute episode and it didn't matter if I did the full mile or not (yes I am that out of shape). 

I absolutely despise exercising.  Every breath is a struggle, everything is uncomfortable at best and downright painful at worst. You get all sweaty and smelly. It's awful and I've honestly never felt better after exercising. I feel better in general when I've been doing it on a regular basis, but have no idea why people say they feel energized afterwards. All I feel is exhausted. I did it though, I dragged my tired butt onto that elliptical and when my episode was over I was shocked to see that I'd already done 75% of a mile. So I finished off that mile hard. The last 7 minutes of that session had me sweating like no tomorrow, but when I finished—I was proud. 

Now I'll ask, have you ever had one of those days where it feels like nothing you eat is satisfying you? Have you ever felt like you'd rather die than eat the salad you brought for lunch? Well, that was my day today too. But guess what?

-I ate healthy today. Despite none of the nutritious snacks I brought seeming to curb my appetite, despite thinking about extra cheesy chicken alfredo and breadsticks all day, and despite wanting to use my exercise and bad mood as excuses to eat whatever I wanted. 

Despite my negative mindset all day, today was a good day for me—and I did it for you. When I didn't want to exercise or eat a vegetable I thought, "but what will I write later?" and the thought of disappointing both myself and others was impossible to face. So thank you. 

....

I said I would write a bit about what I learned from my books everyday, but I only got through the introductory stage of my new book and feel like the self reflection I've done today and written out on this page is more knowledge gained than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I am deeply flawed and am in no way bragging about my introspection or discipline. I do not think that I am better than anyone else, have a better mindset or set of beliefs than anyone else, I simply want to improve myself and share that journey. I will have bad days, probably a lot of bad days where I'm ashamed to be writing that I did nothing to improve my tomorrow, but failing is also learning and we are all in this shit together.

Til tomorrow my brave comrades,

-C.