Cigarette Daydreams

2022 part 2

The option of retiring is constantly on his mind, he constantly thinks about how he has it all, titles, records, he's in history with a brilliant career, he won for McLaren which is a legendary team and made Mercedes a great team, everything about him screams greatness. But there's a voice deep down inside that calls him a cowardly failure every time he thinks about retirement.

So he comes back and choosing to continue in Formula 1 is the hardest thing he's ever had to decide, Toto sells him a winning car and the dream of an eighth title still shines in him, even if the glow isn't as intense as before, but at the same time he feels strange about everything, the contract, the car, the atmosphere in the factory, he doesn't feel the same as he did before. But he still comes back.

After that it's logical for him that ignoring the world is no longer an option, so he shows up on social media with a nice photo and a motivational text, he's also "obliged" to take part in events and produce marketing content, because as well as showing that he's back, Mercedes needs to show the world its new driver duo.

George is cool, at least that's what Lewis thinks most of the time, usually when the younger man shuts up. All the enthusiasm reminds him a bit of Max and he hates it, maybe it's not even George's fault after all, he knows it's not, it's just his mind projecting Max everywhere and onto everyone.

He knows that Russell defended him after the race, he thought the protection was nice, but at the same time he was angry when he realized that this would become a target of hatred for Max, and as much as Lewis feels wronged he doesn't want the suffering of someone he loves, he never did, but then he starts to feel guilty when he realizes that this hatred was inevitable.

It was something that left him sleepless one night, he wondered all night if Max had been overwhelmed by the comments, not just from fans, but from the British media. When he imagines a sad Max silenced by hate, his heart aches. He didn't want to care so much as to be sad, but Max is still someone he loves and cares about.

...

One of the things he's most anxious about doing is interviews. Sitting in front of a stranger and talking about what happened and your future is difficult, especially as he can't talk about the full extent of his pain. He puts on a neutral mask as he talks about the championship and the robbery, at which point he doesn't feel like he's setting Max up as a villain, he doesn't even think straight, he just says something he's thought about for a long time.

Of course, when asked about his dream of an eighth title, he doesn't hide for a moment that he only continues in F1 in the hope of achieving it, but that for a long time the disappointment was so great that retirement was on his mind. But he avoids mentioning Max's name at all times, especially on this topic, he doesn't need any more controversy, but in all his pain he thought that retiring would be the best thing, not only because of the disappointment of the theft, but also because he wanted to get Max out of his system.

He sees all the repercussions of the interview, many people hate him more than usual now, he doesn't feel guilty about it, he's talked about what he felt and how much he suffered, no one is in his shoes to know what it was like and what it's like. On the other hand, he receives a lot of support from people who understand and agree with him, it feels good, but it still doesn't fill the emptiness inside him.

That's when, for the first time, he sees a photo of Max with the trophy, he had imagined for so long his name engraved on it, he wondered if the sensation of holding that cold material would be any different from the other times. But it's Max with the trophy, Max all happy, proud and handsome, the Max that Lewis misses so much that he spends long minutes forgetting about the trophy and just looking at him.