Cigarette Daydreams

2020 pt.1

A/N: From now on, I'll put the years in the titles, so it'll be easier.

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Lewis never thought of himself as a loner, of course, at times it's inevitable to feel lonely, but defining himself as a loner has never crossed his mind. He was never the person who always had everything he wanted, he had a very difficult childhood and adolescence, but that's a long time ago, and since he entered Formula 1, he has always pushed the memories of that time to the back of his mind.

The races, the parties, the publicity, the fans wherever he goes, women, and men, in the most luxurious hotels around the world, there's not much time left to think, and it's so easy not to think about the superficiality of it all, he likes not to think about life, just live it. But now, feeling completely alone, he thinks, now that's all he can think about, and thinking hurts, it hurts like a dagger through the chest, it hurts like someone is twisting that dagger. Sometimes he thinks about taking the dagger out and bleeding to death.

Superficiality infiltrated his life without him even realizing it, and for all these years, he believed he had achieved everything, that he had everything, but now he realizes that he has nothing, and he feels that at the end of the day he is nothing, nothing but numbers and flashes. In the end, he has nothing deep enough to withstand time, wear and tear, tragedies and daggers.

It's March 11, 2020, and Lewis never imagined living through something like this. At school, the children studied about the bubonic plague that decimated a third of Europe, and he remembers being overwhelmed by the magnitude of it, thousands of lives taken by a bacterium. Now he feels part of the history books, and maybe, with luck, he'll tell his grandchildren what it was like to live through the Covid-19 pandemic, when every day the number of people infected and killed by a highly contagious virus increased, when the whole world had to isolate itself indoors, when fear, uncertainty and loneliness plagued the world.

Monaco seems silent now, the loudest sound inside Lewis's apartment is the snoring of Roscoe who sleeps peacefully on the living room carpet, and his mind that is not silent for a second, he wishes his mind was as silent as the streets of the Principality, but the questions keep spinning in his mind, non-stop, like Big Ben's clock. He thinks that if he hadn't chosen to live such a bohemian life, he could be spending this time with company, all his friends are at home with their families, surrounded by love and support at this difficult time, all he has is Roscoe and an apartment that seems to echo with every step he takes.

The days go by and it's almost pathetic the way Lewis looks forward to the online work meetings, it's the only thing that can to fill his mind and expel the feeling of loneliness, It's a shame that it won't last long, when the transmission is closed the silence returns in an overwhelming way, drowning him, and he goes back to his self-pitying routine again as he drags himself around the apartment.

Sometimes he watches the streams on twitch of some of the younger drivers on the grid and lets himself be hugged by the easy, familiar laughter. He never appreciated it while he was in the paddock, he never stopped to really talk to these people, but now he misses it. He always thinks of Max as he watches, the dutchman never participates, Lewis always wonders why, but he never asks Max himself.

He opens the chat with Max every day, the only message is the one he sent himself last year when he was being a stupid control freak. Sometimes he types to ask how the younger man is, but he deletes it straight away, he misses Max, but the thought of saying it, or typing it's as overwhelming as the colossal silence in his apartment. Max also never gives any sign that he wants to talk, so he just lets it go.

The night is when everything gets worse, darkness and silence are a powerful combination, and like a helpless child, Lewis feels afraid. Afraid of the unknown future, afraid of what is happening in the world right now, afraid of being alone forever. Lewis sometimes feels afraid of himself, but he has no way of disconnecting from himself, so he learns to live with the fear, or he tries.