Cigarette Daydreams

2022 part 1

A/N: I updated this story on AO3 a week ago and forgot to update it here completely, my ADHD is still going to kill me.

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The shrill alarm rings and Lewis wakes up like every other day since that fateful day; sweaty, shaking, exhausted and confused. Just like the other days it takes him a while to realize where he's and in what time period, everything is too hazy and non-linear for him, memories get confused and the days blend together, too much time alone and not leaving the house can do that to someone.

He lies still for a while, just allowing his panting to calm down and his mind to reorganize itself, the downside of this is that he starts to remember why he woke up looking like he's run a marathon. He's had a nightmare, not just any nightmare, it's more like a repeat of that day, as if his mind doesn't think all his suffering is enough and makes him suffer more while he sleeps or tries to sleep.

Often, he just rolls over in bed as his skin becomes so agitated that he feels himself shaking, a dull pain runs through his whole body, but it's not as if he's going to die, it's more like a prolonged, non-fatal torture. On these nights, even with all the cold, he feels his body burn from the inside out, it's terrifying, not even when he had horrible days was the feeling as overwhelming as this.

Lewis sits on the edge of his bed as he tries to think of how to survive another day, he knows the answer of course, he's going to follow his extremely specific routine, so he doesn't have to think too much. But every day he still stops and thinks about how to stop thinking, how to stop remembering, how to stop feeling, how to stop suffering, but he hasn't figured it out yet, so he keeps thinking, remembering, feeling and suffering while doing everything he has to do.

He goes downstairs and the noise wakes Roscoe up, so the pair go into the kitchen, he puts the bulldog's food on and goes to make breakfast. Lewis knows that his dog misses someone else there, sometimes Roscoe keeps looking at the stairs as if waiting for the missing person to come down and join them, sometimes Lewis also looks at the stairs and waits together.

Lewis eats the same thing every day, banana protein smoothie with berries and toast, he never changes, it's easier that way, he prepares everything automatically while allowing his mind to focus only on the pink color forming in his blender, and the noise that drowns out any thoughts that try to invade, in those moments his mind is peaceful.

Then he gets dressed and goes for a walk around the grounds surrounding his house. It's snowing and it's hard to walk like this, his clothes are heavy, and his legs ache a little from the effort of not walking on firm ground, but the icy wind burning his cheeks helps him not to think about other things for a while longer.

The walks never take the same amount of time, sometimes he can do it for an hour and a half before he gets tired or too cold, sometimes he stops earlier because of all that white stuff that makes his head hurt, sometimes he stops in the middle of the walk and is paralyzed without knowing what to do, sometimes he just wants someone there to tell him what to do.

The days in Colorado in winter are always so freezing that sometimes he wishes the cold would swallow him up so that he could stop feeling anything at all, but that's not how it works. After his walk, he always sits on the balcony to rest his legs, then the memories invade him in a violent and overwhelming way like an avalanche of snow, sometimes it's as if he's crazy, his mind starts to enter into traps designed by his heart and it's as if Max is there, just as he once was.

He begins to see everything he's ever experienced in that same place, at times he swears he hears Max's voice being carried by the wind to his ears and it's like a gift of solitude, at those times he'd like to close his eyes and enjoy the laughter, but he's afraid that if he does that the memory and the voice will go away, in the end it's the only good thing he has, so he stays still for a while.