Cigarette Daydreams

2016

Lewis loves being in control of everything, it's essential to him, he's extremely meticulous with everything, with the people he allows to be around him, with his food, his clothes, everything he does and that permeates him, he has absolute control.

Losing the championship to his teammate, is to lose control of what he thinks is the most important thing, his career. He doesn't even know how to act, he can only wonder at what point he lost himself to see Nico win, the one who should be the second driver, the one who was once his best friend, the one that Lewis controlled for so long, but now no longer does.

Lewis feels like he's losing control of his own body as he wanders aimlessly around the Mercedes party, for two years in a row he was the master of the party, the king, everyone greeted him, people followed him gratefully. He feels like an ordinary person now. People don't even notice when he leaves, too suffocated to stay with so many people around, he's lost and disoriented.

Control slips through his fingers and it's as if he's getting empty, he so needs something to bring back the feeling of mastery, to make him feel like himself again, he wants someone to remind him of that. He wants Max. He goes after Max.

...

All the rest of the grid is celebrating, the party is lively, Lewis wonders why, everyone there has lost, the only winners are the ones he just left behind. Nobody understands why he's there, he can see the doubt in their eyes, he doesn't give a fuck. Lewis passes between people looking for what he wants, he feels powerless, he can't find Max.

Near the bar, illuminated by the colored lights, smiling openly at someone else, holding a glass in one hand and with the other holding the arm of the man in front of him, Max is radiant. Daniel touches Max and he goes so easily that Lewis has to control himself not to pull the blonde away, Daniel is not a stranger, the brit can't claim Max like he did before.

He watches the interaction between the two from afar, and wonders when and if he should interfere in that moment, clearly Max likes being there, but Lewis needs so much to be in control of at least one thing, he feels a bit bad for thinking of Max as a thing, but he doesn't know how to think otherwise, he just wants to.

The moment Max notices the british man's stare, his smile falls, Lewis feels awkward, but he keeps staring, not even if he wanted to, he couldn't look away, Max looks back at Daniel with a strange smile and then looks at Lewis again, the british man notices the indecision in the blue eyes. When Max says something in the australian's ear Lewis feels his anger bubbling up, when Max leaves Daniel's side and walks towards him... Lewis just wants to meet him halfway and grab him right there.

But once they're standing in the middle of drunken people dancing, Lewis doesn't have the courage to break the moment, he feels strange for already feeling a little bit better for just looking at the other man. But Max doesn't even smile, not even a little, Lewis can't decipher the blond, he tries, his concentration leads him to be startled when Max touches his hand, but when Max pulls him in, he lets himself go.

They walk among the sweaty bodies and enter the bathroom for people with disabilities, when Max locks the door Lewis understands that they are there because it is the only bathroom that is individual.

"Aren't you going to congratulate me on a super-competitive season?" Lewis decides to break the silence between them.

"Do you want me to congratulate you?" Max seems to understand.

"No."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to give yourself to me again." He's almost sincere, but he can't help noticing when Max narrows his eyes, as if he understands the real meaning of the sentence.