secret love

(Not) loving her

Enid had no sleep. She never explained to Yoko and Liv what happened. The car was gone when she left. She wasn't there for that long but she messaged them telling them to go home. She didn't go back to Yoko's of course. How could she. She felt stiff. She felt like her world ended.

Did she have feelings for the brunette girl. Who knows. Yes, she thought about her nearly everyday when she woke up and before she went to sleep. She started relating songs to her. Mostly Beabadobee songs and Gracie Abram's. But what did that mean.

She didn't love Wednesday. She couldn't.

When she left the house she just walked. Didn't have a specific place to go. She didn't want to go home. But she didn't want to stay there. Or go to Yoko's. She felt almost out of options. Do she walked until her legs got tired. Even through the rain. Her thoughts jumbled together. She didn't know what her thoughts were. But she did. She knew they weren't positive.

She got home and continued to think. Sneaking in, to reduce the amount of questions she'd get asked about why she "wasn't at Yoko's" or why she "looks so so miserable"

She didn't want to speak to anyone. So there she sat. In the darkness of her room. Tears escaping her eyes even though she didn't even feel them brimming at her eyelid. The tears eventually felt like fire. Burning her skin and her eyes. Her head thumping. Like a band was playing in her brain. She sat curled up staring at the same spot on her wall. But she didn't really see the wall. It was more of a blur. Just a plain grey spot in her mind.

Her main question was why. Why her. Why does she feel this way. Why was she only wanted when Tyler wasn't giving her attention. But mostly, why did she let Wednesday treat her like that.

Surely she can't blame herself. She knew that. But a part of her did.

She didn't love her.

So she spent the whole night staring. Listening to her dehumanising thoughts about how she wasn't important. And never will be. She skipped breakfast that day. Left her house early. Avoiding seeing her parents. She wouldn't want them to worry about her. She was okay. Or so she told herself.

Although she left her house early she arrived at school late. She found herself walking, again. This time the same path she took last night. Pictures of Wednesday's martini top,  the day they kissed, and The day they met, flooded her mind. Opposites never attract, and she knew this. She was a science geek, after all.

Of course she received some stares due to the state of her. Her eye bags and her red puffy eyes. Her messy hair. The dark baggy clothes. She couldn't be bothered to look nice anymore.

Why was she so heartbroken if she didn't even like her.

Was it the fact that she did, or was it the fact that she felt used but useless when she was not needed by Wednesday.

Yoko and Liv were worried. The billion questions on how she was. What she's eaten. How her sleep was. They knew every word that came out of the blondes mouth was a lie. But decided not to push. When she wants to speak, she will. But what if Enid just wanted them. What if she didn't want the space. She needed her friend's comfort. But how could she possibly describe her feelings if she doesn't even know how she feels.

But maybe she did love her. Maybe her enjoyment of her presence was love. Maybe her nervous stomach was just butterflies. Maybe the reason she let her use her, was because she did love her. Too fast.

She knew she could get better. Maybe not get over it. But she knew she was more than capable of being better. She wanted to be. After she spent weeks watching Tyler and Wednesday act normal. Watch Wednesday move seats in science after their last interaction. Going on walks to the same place everyday. As she watched herself fade from her old self. She felt her changes and she didn't like them. She wasn't getting better for Wednesday. But for herself.

Because she couldn't love her anymore.

And she hoped she wouldn't ever again.