𝑬𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝑴í𝒂 | ᴮᵒʸ ᴹᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵂᵒʳˡᵈ

20: To Be or Not To Be

"Good morning, class. I would like you all to let out your most agonized groan." Mr. Feeny said.

"Aw..." Everyone said. "Good. Now, let's start planning our springtime class play." "Ohh!" Everyone said, upset. "Been there, heard that." Mr. Feeny said. "Now, before you give up in despair, you may want to hear my play selection. It has sword fights... murder, skulls... even ghosts. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like my kind of play." I said.

"Sounds like Spielberg." Cory said.

"Sounds like Shakespeare." Mr. Feeny said.

"Sounds like a loser." Shawn said.

"We will be doing selected scenes from the play Hamlet. Mr. Hunter, in the parlance of the theater, you will be a spear carrier." "Excellent. So this guy I play is like, what, a warrior and a hero?" "No. This guy you play has very few lines to memorize." Mr. Feeny replied.

"Miss Flores, you will be playing Gertrude. Queen of Denmark, mother to Hamlet." Mr. Feeny said, placing the book in front of me on my desk. "Awesome, I'm a queen." I said.

"Miss Lawrence, you will be playing the tragic heroine Ophelia. Now, this is a challenging role. She goes quite insane." "Topanga insane? What a stretch." Cory said. She turned around to Cory.

"If I were a less-evolved person, I'd say cram it, brillo-head." She told Cory. "Mr. Minkus, you will be playing the role of the wise old Polonius."

"Polonius? He only has forty-eight lines. I sort of pictured myself as the melancholy dane." Minkus said. "For those of you unfamiliar with the reference, Mr. Minkus means the lead role, Prince Hamlet. Now, this is a tricky part to cast because Hamlet gets on a lot of people's nerves. He makes one stupid mistake after another, and for five acts, he never shuts up." We all looked at Cory. "What, do I have a booger?" He asked.

♥

"To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Mr. Feeny, who wrote this garbage?" Cory said.

"Some say Shakespeare's plays were written by a group of individuals, but I don't necessarily believe that." Mr. Feeny answered.

"I personally subscribe to the Francis Bacon theory." Minkus said. "I go with the Jimmy Dean sausage theory." Shawn said. "Please continue, Mr. Matthews." "Ok." Cory said.

"To die, to sleep- no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache." Cory said. "Can I please stop whining and shove a sword through somebody's guts?" "Yes, a soon as you get to the Queen's chamber." Mr. Feeny said.

"See, there's your problem right there. You want murder, you want suspense, you don't go to your mother's bedroom." Cory said, sitting the book on Mr. Feeny's desk. "And how are you going to improve the greatest play in English literature?" Mr. Feeny asked.

"Well, for starters, let's set this thing in a burning skyscraper. Then I could do sort of a Bruce Willis thing, you know? Shooting uzis, blowing away terrorists, jumping out windows. All this guy Hamlet does is talk. He even talks when nobody's there." Cory said.

Mr. Feeny stood up. "Prince Hamlet finds himself in the middle of a terrible dilemma. Whatever course of action he chooses could have dire consequences. He is racked with indecision. He is one of literature's most human characters." "You mean most wimpy characters. Wimps talk, heros do stuff." Cory said. "The gospel, according to Jean-Claude Van Damme." Mr. Feeny said. Topanga walked in. "Ah, Ophelia, don't you look authentic."

"Thank you, Mr. Feeny. Here's your costume." Topanga said, extending it to Cory. "Jedidiah sewed it last night." "Wait a minute. What was your dad thinking? This is a minidress and pantyhose." Cory said. "No, no. Actually, this is a doublet and tights, which is how male actors dressed back in the 1600s, see?" Mr. Feeny told him. "You know, maybe if Hamlet had worn pants, he could have made a decision or two." "Is that a sexist comment?" Topanga asked. "That's what I was shooting for."