𝑬𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝑴í𝒂 | ᴮᵒʸ ᴹᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵂᵒʳˡᵈ

18: Cars and Rated R

Shawn and I walked over to Cory at lunch.

"Tonight is going to be the best night of our lives." Shawn said.

"Mom and dad- gone." Cory said.

"Your brother- date." I said. "Who's left in charge? Judy- queen of zits." Cory said. "Well, tell her she's looking especially broken out this evening..." Shawn said. "So she'll spend all night in the bathroom squeezing her face..." Cory said. "Leaving us free to watch..." I said as Shawn opened his backpack.

He pulled out a VHS tape. "Barney salutes the alphabet?" Cory questioned. "That's just the box. It's parent camouflage. Outside, a happy purple sock. Inside, the guts are flying." Shawn said, revealing the tape.

"Whoa! I'm blowing up your head, part six- Stumpy's revenge. I thought Stumpy died in part five." Cory said. "Well, that's why he wants revenge." I replied. "Cool!" Cory exclaimed. He gave the tape back to Shawn, and he put it away.

♥

Shawn, Cory, and I were watching the movie while Mr. Feeny and Morgan played tea party in the corner.

Mr. Feeny walked by, and Cory changed the channel to the weird educational one. Once Mr. Feeny was out of sight. Cory changed it back to the movie.

"Alright, college girl in the shower... kiss your head goodbye." Stumpy said. "No! Stumpy! No!" The girl pleaded. Her head exploded, leaving guts and blood all over the shower walls.

"Why did Stumpy just blow up her head?" Cory exclaimed. "Well, that's a tough one, Cor. Stumpy's a pretty complex guy." Shawn replied.

"Here we are." Mr. Feeny said, walking back into the living room. Cory turned the channel back to the educational one. It was about bird birth. "Eww!" The three of us exclaimed. "Oh, buck up. You're watching the glorious tapestry of nature." Mr. Feeny said. He walked away, and Cory turned it back to the movie.

"Whoa! Ooh, she blowed up real good." Cory said. Shawn grabbed a chip. "Bean dip?" Cory asked. "Wonder if Eric's having as good a time as we are." Shawn said. "Are you kidding? Having fun is what he's best at."

The call rang, and Mr. Feeny answered it.

♥

"Oh, Mr. Feeny!" Eric exclaimed. "I never thought I'd be happy to see you." Eric hugged him. "I wish I could say the same. What seems to be the problem?" Mr. Feeny asked. "Dad's car got towed."

Cory and I sat down on the small bench by the door, and Shawn stood next to it. Morgan sat on my lap and played with the ends of her coat.

"And we can't get it back from Sasquatch." Eric's friend Jason said. "Oh, I'll clear this up in no time." Mr. Feeny said. "Excuse me, young man."

"It's, uh, Tony with a "Y." The man said. "Fine, Tony. Might I inquire why you won't release the car?" "It's like I told the kid- you ain't got a license, you ain't getting the car." "Aren't." "What?" "You aren't getting the car." "Wrong, pal. I already got the car." The man said.

"No, no. You're misunderstanding me. I was simply correcting your grammar." "I don't need talking lessons from a guy who's wearing earrings." Mr. Feeny covered his ears.

"Could we get back to the car issue, please?" Eric asked. "The issue is, no license, no car. Capisce?" "Eric, why don't you just give the man your driver's license?" Mr. Feeny asked.

"Because I, uh... I don't have it." "Well, tell me where you left it, and I'll go get it." "Ahem. Well, I don't, uh, technically, like at this actual point in time-"

Shawn cut him off. "He doesn't have a license." "He's got to not even my brother's that big an idiot." Cory said. "I, uh... beg to differ." Jason said.

♥

We drove back to Cory's house after the failed attempt to get Mr. Matthews car back. "Missy... brush your teeth and go to bed." Mr. Feeny told Morgan. She sad face at him. "You suck that lip back in. Upstairs. Now." She listened and ran to bed.

"You, return to your home... now." Mr. Feeny told Jason. He didn't talk back and walked to the door. "Jason, you can not leave me holding the bag for all this." Eric said. Jason laughed. "See how little you know me?" He left, and Mr. Feeny closed the door.

"And as for you, young man, I want you to go to your room and wait till your parents return." Mr. Feeny told Eric. "Just because you were once my sixth grade teacher does not give you the right to tell me what to do." "Go to your room!" Mr. Feeny shouted. "Apparently, it does." Eric ran upstairs.

"I don't suppose your parents have any maalox in the house, do they?" Mr. Feeny asked Cory. He noticed the movie. "What are you watching?" Mr. Feeny asked. "Uh... it's caribou... migrating and licking their babies." Cory said. "Where's the remote?" Cory asked as we searched the couch.

Mr. Feeny found it first and grabbed it. "Alright, fun-loving stewardess. Coffee, tea, or bazooka shell?" "Uh... coffee? No!" The stewardess head exploded. "Why did that man just blow up her head?" Mr. Feeny asked. "Uh, it's nature." Cory said. "It's human nature." Shawn said. "A rich tapestry of exploding heads." As the movie continued to play, it didn't make the situation any better. "That is cheap garbage." Mr. Feeny said.

He walked over to the player. "Wait. What are you doing?" I asked. "No, Mr. Feeny, our machine's kind of tricky and-" Cory said. Mr. Feeny pulled out the tape, and it was messed up. "No!" Cory exclaimed. "This is rated "R." Mr. Feeny said. "Yeah, "R" for wrecked." Shawn said. "Now Shawn's gonna have to pay for it." Cory said. "Shawn?" He was confused by the mention of his name. "Hey, you rented it." Cory said.

♥

Mr and Mrs. Matthews returned from their night out.

"George, you're not supposed to be here. What's wrong?" Mrs. Matthews asked. "The babysitter canceled. I'm doing my best to fill in." He said. "He killed our tape." Cory said.

"What tape?" Mr. Matthews asked. "Good move." Shawn said. Cory tried to hide it behind his back. "Uh, tape? There is no tape. Did I say tape? What was I thinking?" Cory said. "You were thinking... "Good night, Shawn and Adriana-Camila." I said as we ran to the front door.

"Guys, you can not leave me here with this tape." Cory said. "Heh. See how little you know us?" Shawn replied before closing the door.

We ran down the road and went back to the trailer park. "Good night, Shawn." "G'night, Adriana."