Nugae - Narnia

Medusa

I was 12 wearing shorts.
I was 15 wearing a skirt.
I was 18 wearing a low-cut dress.
I was 19 wearing a tight top.
But at first I was 8 in my school uniform
and 10 in my best dress, for church.
I used to be calm and silent,
not to consider my body as my own
while they touched me as they wanted.
I used to think it was normal,
it was only my body, nothing wrong
if they hurt me and made me cry,
if they went on while I was begging,
on the floor, on the couch, to stop,
if I had the voice to do that.
And now I am almost 21,
feeling dirty and ruined and consumed,
being called a monster for saying no,
for running away from that house,
those hands, that ungrateful voice
who was supposed to love me the most.
And now I am almost 21,
remembering the violence I grew up with,
realising that it was not normal and that
I've been abused for my entire life.
And they still say the monster it's me.
And they still say I'm overreacting.
And they still say I'm incapable of love.
And they still say I'm dirty and lusty.
And they still look at me like a slut.
And they still look at me as an offender.
And they still touch my tights on the sofa.
And they still ignore my no and my stop.
And they still think they did nothing.
And they still think they did my best.