THUGGIN TO LOVIN || TOM KAULITZ

𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗥𝗧𝗬-𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗘

"Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever." - Damon Salvatore
—
Alexa Sinclair

I sat criss cross in front of the grave sitting on the opposite side of me.

I liked to come here sometimes, when I was feeling lost... or just when I needed to talk.

In loving memory of
Selena Sinclair
1969-2001
Adored wife, mom & sister
You made life worth living, i'll see you in the afterlife sweetheart- (your) Joe.

I swatted away a tear, unsure of where to even start. It's been a couple weeks, it's almost Valentine's day, and I still haven't found the courage to tell Tom.

"I don't know if you're disappointed in me or not." I blurted, it felt... nice to think she was listening. I have no idea how that scientifically works, but I believe she is.

"I uhm... we never got to that point in our relationship. We never got to talk about boys together... and I grew up so clueless about that kind of stuff. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that. The unknown. I mean, now I understand why there's sex addicts."

"I'm not saying i'm a sex addict. I'm sure you've had multiple— never mind, I just got a bad mental image... but um. Tom knows my body y'know? He loves me, and it's good that it's with him, but would it be selfish to say I don't want it at all?" I sniffled.

I already felt so much guilt.

"I'll love the kid no matter what... but how can I mother a child knowing that I still need mine?" I continued to sit in the same spot, speaking freely at the sky.

When a light breeze brushed against my shoulders, I squinted my eyes at the rain cloud above me. A grin coming over my face.

"You're here." I smiled, a tiny light shining through the clouds and over my head.

Or maybe i'm just delusional.

"Okay, bye mommy, I think I have to go have a talk with my boyfriend." I rose onto my knees, transferring a kiss from my hand and onto the grave stone.

I propped up the flowers that I had brought making them look all nice and pretty, before finally going back to my car.

—

I sat on my couch, awaiting Tom's arrival.

Since Valentine's day is in two days, he wanted to come in so we could spend time together.

Is it really the best time to tell him about a pregnancy he probably doesn't even want two days before a holiday that's all about love?

I have no idea.

I perked my head up, looking through the archway as I heard the front door open.

I didn't make move to get up, unfortunately still drowning in all of my constant doubt.

"Sunshine! Come look at what I got you!"

I let out a sigh, making move for the doorway. I loved when he would come home.

I'm just scared.