Growing with J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Chapter 29

I sat at the breakfast bar, staring at the small pill in my hand. It was a simple, unassuming tablet, but its significance loomed large in my mind. I'd managed to get another appointment with my doctor, and although the symptoms weren't severe, I'd officially gotten the postpartum depression diagnosis. It came along with a low dose of medication to help me through it.

Jack, emerging freshly showered from the bedroom, noticed me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and softly encouraged, "you got this, Jace."

I sighed, still glancing at the pill. "It just feels weird, you know? It's never gotten to this point."

"I know," he kissed the top of my head, "but it's the first step towards feeling better. It will be good for you and for Eliza."

Nodding, I took the plunge and swallowed the pill with a sip of water. As much as I always prided myself for getting through my low points without medication, it was the right thing to do now. I knew what could happen if I didn't, and I needed to be the best mother Eliza could have.

"I'm proud of you." The smile was evident in his voice even though I couldn't see it.

I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting. I knew it would take around two weeks of consistently taking the medication before I'd feel any different. Still, this seemed like much too big of a step for the beginning just to be a simple gulp of water and nothing else. This was a new chapter, one where I acknowledged the need for help beyond my own coping mechanisms. Maybe a tiny sliver of hope would have to do.

Jack let go of me and approached the laundry basket full of Eliza's rompers and onesies that I had just taken out of the dryer. I'd quickly taken them out and put the basket up on the counter before I pulled the medication out. I watched as he started folding them, putting them on two different piles.

A thought crossed my mind and I immediately spoke it out loud before I let it consume me. "I never told Fran about Eliza's birth. Do you think I should?"

Jack's folding halted for a second before he continued. "I think you should do whatever you're comfortable with."

I nodded, uncertain about my choice. The last time I updated her hadn't gone so well. It had gone bad. Later in the day, after my mom had so invasively called, Fran sent me apologetic messages. I knew they were sincere. Although she told my mom about all my updates, she'd never compromise our relationship by letting my mom contact me like that.

"I don't think there's any other way she'd be able to find out," I considered aloud. She didn't have contact with anybody else in my life. Sure, she could assume since I did tell her my due date, but she didn't actually know.

Jack finished folding a tiny pink onesie and looked at me, his expression gentle. "If you feel like sharing the news with Fran, go ahead. But, remember, it's entirely up to you. You're in control of who you share Eliza's journey with."

"Maybe I should," I said, more to myself than to Jack. "I think she'd like to know about Eliza. She didn't do anything wrong."

Jack smiled warmly and grabbed another tiny clothing article out of the basket. "Then go for it. You know I'm here."

I grabbed my phone and opened the messaging app before I could overthink it. Still, I hesitated and struggled to find the right words to send over to Fran. All I could think was that there was a possibility that my mom would be the first one to see the message, and not Fran.

In the end, I picked out a photo of Eliza – knowing that my mom would be shown it no matter what – and composed a message with it.

Me: Hey Fran, it's been a hectic few weeks, but Eliza Stevie Joy was born six weeks ago. It's been a wild ride, but we're all doing okay.

I took a deep breath and hit send before I could overthink it. As soon as the message showed it had been delivered, I pushed my phone towards Jack.

"Take it," I told him, letting go of it as if it were poison.

He looked at the device and then up at me in confusion. "What?"

"I don't want to know if she calls me."

Maybe it hadn't been the smartest idea to do this before the medication took its effect. Even thinking of the possibility of my mom seeing the message and calling me made my skin crawl. I had no idea what would happen to me if she actually did.

Jack nodded, understanding the complexity of the situation. He picked up my phone and gave me a reassuring smile. "I got it. This goes into my pocket."

As promised, he slipped it into the pocket of his sweatpants and went back to folding. I appreciated his support, even though I knew the fear lingered within me. Although my wish was for nothing to come my way, I still waited anxiously. I could barely keep in the anxiety, and started chewing at my thumb's skin. There were much better things to do, but I couldn't shift my focus.

Eventually, my phone buzzed. And then buzzed again. And again.

My heart skipped a beat and I already found myself desperately wanting to know what secrets lay beyond that grey fabric. But Jack wasn't as concerned as I was. He just took out another romper, this one with little printed pawprints, and started folding it as well. At least his calm stalling showed me it wasn't a call. The buzzing didn't continue after the initial three.

When the romper was placed on the romper pile, he finally took out my phone.

"You've got a response from Fran," he casually informed me. "Want me to read them?"

Unsure who had sent them, I nodded, not even wanting to read something that could have come from my mom.

Jack unlocked my phone and opened up the messages. Immediately, a smile formed upon his lips. "She says congratulations, she's happy for us and loves the name. And she'd love to catch up once you've got the time."

The tension in my shoulders eased. It was Fran, genuinely happy for me and interested in Eliza. Jack handed me the phone, and I gladly took it back to read over the messages myself.

Fran: Oh, Jacie! She's beautiful! Congratulations!

Fran: What an adorable name, I can't imagine something that would suit her better.

Fran: I'd love to catch up and hear all about your little one. Let me know when you're free.

All my fear had been for nothing. Of course, I trusted Fran not to let my mom use her number to contact me again. But I also trusted her before, and my mom had still somehow managed to pass by and infiltrate. My worries had proven to be just that – worries.

I got up from my bar chair and slipped my arms around Jack's waist, pulling myself into his chest. He dropped his job and returned the embrace, giving me the support I needed. I let out a deep breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding.

We gently swayed side to side until I turned my head to look up at him. He was already gazing down at me and gave me a warm smile. I smiled back, a bit of the weight leaving my shoulders. He dipped down and softly kissed me. His lips felt warm and reassuring. I knew he'd always be there for me.

Our peaceful moment was short lived, though. Eliza's cries sounded through the living room, coming from her crib.

"Feeding duty calls," I announced as I let go of Jack.