𝕭𝖆𝖉 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 - 𝕽𝖆𝖋𝖊 𝕮𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖗𝖔𝖓

13

Kaz

What the actual fuck have I done?

I'm having an internal struggle, like an angel & devil on the shoulder sort of situation. On one hand, I feel like I should tell JJ what's going on, because I know he'll be pissed or hurt. And I want him to hear it from me. But on the other hand, he's the one who said we should just be friends right now. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And don't even get me started on where the fuck I stand with Rafe, because I have no clue. I know he's the biggest fuckboy on the island and doesn't hookup with the same girl more than once, so what the fuck was his deal with me? I've dug myself into a much deeper hole than I ever wanted to.

I head back downstairs after getting pounded by Rafe on the bathroom sink.

"Hey baby. Missed you." JJ speaks as he slings his arm around my shoulder and plants a small kiss on my cheek.

I feel so shitty after what I'd just done that I can't muster up any words to respond to him, so all I do is nod my head and give him a fake smile. I can tell by the look on his face that he senses my hesitation.

"Can we uh...go over there and talk?" He whispers into my ear. I give him a small nod again and he walks me over to a corner of the mansion that doesn't have very many people crowded around it. Before JJ even starts speaking, out of the corner of my eye I see Rafe coming down the steps.

My eyes immediately go to him, instead of on JJ where they should be. Rafe doesn't see me as he's coming down, but he walks a few feet away from where JJ and I are, to go stand with one of his friends. And he still hasn't noticed me. Either that or he's pretending not to see me. Suddenly my memory is hit with what Rafe said right before I walked out of the bathroom.

"Kaz I...I think I..."
What the hell was he going to say?

I had some sort of clue, but there's no way he was going to say that.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts and brought back into reality when I feel JJ take my hands in his.

"Kaz, what's going on? You've been...I don't know...like distant since last night."

I try my hardest to hold back a scoff, but I don't succeed. I remove my hands from his.

"Are you serious? You're accusing me of being distant? Weren't you the one who decided to have sex with me and then ghost me the next morning, only to say that you wanted to just be friends? And didn't you tell me that there was no other girl on your mind and then you had your tongue down some bitches throat hours later? How do you even have the nerve to call me distant? You keep playing this back and forth wishy washy game with me, JJ. It's exhausting." My words come out louder than I intended for them to and I notice some of the Midsummers guest's eyes are now on us— including Rafe's.

For a few seconds, the only reaction I get out of JJ is an open-jawed facial expression.

"I'm sorry, Kaz. You're right. All the shit I did...all the shit I said, I'm so sorry. I should've never made it seem like I was ready. I wasn't. I'm still not."

Another scoff escapes my lips.

"Of course not. So if you're still not ready then why the hell does it matter if I'm being distant or not? We're just friends, JJ. Remember?" I can feel my stomach drop as I speak.

"You're right. We are friends, even though I do think of you as more. But I can't have that when I'm not ready. Friends deserve to know the truth and friends need to apologize. So that's what I'm doing." The calm manner in JJ's tone makes me feel safe. But then I'm hit with instant regret and remorse.