Dear Journal

February 16th

Dear Journal,

I'm starting to believe that I'm cursed.

The past few days have been nothing short of excruciating.

My problem—as usual—revolves around May. She has been unusually distant, her demeanour colder than usual. Every interaction feels strained, and I know deep down that it's my fault.

I didn't kiss her that night.

I wanted to kiss her.

Is that weird? It's not supposed to be, she's undeniably beautiful but is it weird of me?!

I should have just kissed because then I wouldn't be dreaming about her. (God, this is so embarrassing.) Eve had the apple and I had May's cherry flavored gloss covered lips.

My plan is complete, May is on my side, and now I can rest.

Except I can't.

It's driving me insane, this constant wondering if I missed a crucial moment.

I can list a whole bunch of reasons why kissing her was a bad idea but I'm not interested in being caught in the crosshairs of HR. And if I did list them, I'd have to buy a new journal.

There's also the other thing.

I may have started to feel something. I do not like this. (Help me!)

Today, things came to a head.

We had a small disagreement in front of the staff—nothing major, but enough to make the tension palpable. The office atmosphere grew uncomfortable, and we both retreated to our corners.

I went out to the balcony, needing a moment to clear my head.

Carla was out there, taking a smoke break. I leaned against the railing, staring at the city lights below, my mind racing. I had quit smoking years ago, but the thought of starting again crossed my mind as a misguided attempt at finding solace.

Allow me to set the scene because I'm still reeling.

Carla noticed my troubled expression. "You look like you've got a lot on your mind," she said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "What's going on?"

I sighed. "It's May."

"I'm assuming it's not the month we're talking about."

(Cheeky. There's a reason she's my friend.)

"She's been so distant, and I can't figure out why. I'm starting to think it's because of what happened—or didn't happen—between us."

Carla gave me a knowing look. "You need to deal with this."

I decided to play the fool against my better judgement. "There's nothing to deal with."

"Bullshit! Whatever's going on between you two needs to be addressed. You can't just ignore it or hope it'll fix itself."

Totally uncalled for. I mean she had a point but still, uncalled for. Her words hit me hard. I know she means well, but I've never been good with feelings—something I attribute to the emotional distance from my parents. They never taught me how to navigate emotions or relationships healthily. I've always struggled to understand them. (Maybe my little stint with Emily was always supposed to end in a fiery mess. Now that's certainly something I'll have to discuss with my therapist. Lord, help me. My mind is fucked!)

As I stood there, I glanced back inside and saw May chatting and laughing with one of her assistants. He was a wisp of a thing that Carla had taken on, a year or two younger than May but optimistic and passionate about forging his path through this field. I didn't even remember his name.

A pang of jealousy hit me.

She seemed so at ease with others, while I was left feeling like an outsider.

Carla caught me staring and chuckled. "Jealous?" she teased. "It's not going to help you in the long run."

I turned to her, frustration evident in my eyes. "I have no idea what you mean. There would have to be feelings there for me to even feel jealous."

Carla shrugged, a look of sympathy in her eyes. "You know, I'm well aware of what it's like to be a woman in this type of job. It ain't easy. But let's be honest here, Alex. Nobody cares if you two get together or not. What matters is that you're honest about your feelings and deal with them. It's not worth letting your doubts fester. So..."

"So...?"

She hit me on the head with a rolled-up newspaper. The audacity! "So stop denying the obvious and do something before I have to clean up after you. Again."

Her words were a tough pill to swallow, but they were also a wake-up call.

I had arrived to what many call an epiphany.

I realized that my indecision and emotional distance were creating unnecessary barriers between May and me. It was time to confront the situation, stop avoiding it and take responsibility for my feelings.

What I needed was to have an honest conversation with May.

I had a plan, a great and devious plan. That plan is over and now I need to come up with a new one. I'm not one to stop scheming to get what I want and I suppose what I want is May.

It was time to stop second-guessing and start addressing the issues between us.

The lingering tension and unresolved feelings won't disappear on their own.

Tonight, I'll make it a priority to clear the air with her. Whatever happens, I need to face it head-on like a man.

Much to do,

- Alexander