Dear journal,
I found something interesting today. A met a wonderful, beautiful, talented little thing named May. She's as short and sweet as the month she's named after. She's everything the Haus of Lyon needs but I don't know how to get her on my...
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Dear Journal,
I'm alone in my apartment again, and I'm horribly drunk.
Terrible idea. I know.
That's not a great way to start this.
Let me rewind.
I may have overindulged. May and I got into an argument earlier tonight. It all started with James. (He's such a fucking thorn in my side.)
I said i just wanted to protect her, but May was angry because I got myself arrested. She doesn't understand why I can't just accept that I want to look out for her. Is it because she's scared that if she opens up, I'll break her trust? The argument escalated. She snapped and said I was acting like James.
The silence that followed was deafening.
I was most certainly not James. I would never be like him. I would never hurt her.
She knows that!
Right?
May must've known that too because it looked like she regretted those words the second they left her lovely mouth. Both of us are too angry and afraid to say sorry. Instead she left, and I was too stunned to go after her.
Now, I don't know what to do. I know I can be overbearing, a bit jealous, and overprotective, but am I blind to my own faults?
May isn't perfect either, and I never expected her to be. She's a woman who crawled through the dirt to reach her dreams. We both have baggage, and I thought we could work through it together. But now, I'm doubting myself again.
Why can't I just get it right? I've always struggled with expressing my feelings and dealing with my emotions. This journal was supposed to help me, but right now, it feels like a mockery of my efforts. I thought I was making progress, but maybe I'm just fooling myself.
I know I love her.
Scratch that. I. Love. Her.
I. LOVE. HER.
That's the one thing I'm sure of. But love isn't enough if I can't show her that I can be the man she needs. I can't just be a protector; I need to be a partner. I need to listen and understand, not just react.
I don't know how to fix this. I've never felt this lost before.
I thought May was the one bright spot in my life, the one person who could help me see past my flaws. But now, I'm not sure if I'm capable of being what she needs.
I already contacted my therapist for an emergency session. I'm sure she'll have loads of things to tell me—all of them most likely not good.
Maybe I'll figure it out in the morning when I'm sober. Or maybe I'll just continue to spiral. All I know right now is that I miss her, and I don't want to lose her. But I'm terrified that I already have.
