ultraviolence // kai anderson

under oath

    "We're connected now, like being under oath," Kai tells me earnestly. Our skin contact has my thoughts a bit jumbled, and I worry that everyone walking past is someone waiting to tell Gregory what I'm doing.
    "Eyes on me," Kai orders, and nods in approval once my attention snaps back to him. Then he asks in a slow and monotone voice, "What fills your heart with rage?"

    "Well the story you just told me, for one," I begin, and this seems to please him immensely. "But if I had to personally choose, maybe..." I decide to take a risk, drop a hint. "The thought of someone else being with who I love."

    For a fleeting moment he looks taken aback, but hides the expression just as fast and says, "So, the idea of romantic betrayal? What do you think you would do if you discovered Gregory was untrue?"

    I wanted to tell him that I wasn't thinking of Gregory at all, and truth be told, I may be a little relieved to be rid of him if I found he was cheating on me. I utter, "Um..." and make the mistake of looking away. Kai's grip instantly tightens around my finger and he repeats, "What would you do?"

    "I, I would leave him?"

    "That's all?"

    I breathe a nervous laugh, "Yeah? What would you have me do?"

    Now he's the one to momentarily break eye contact as the twitch of a smirk is hinted on his lips, then he looks back at me and continues his interview. "Tell me the most physical pain you've ever experienced -- that you didn't do to yourself."

    I inhale deeply as I comb through my memories, never taking my eyes from Kai's. A childhood story I've told upwards of a hundred times at this point comes to mind. "When I was eight, I was getting out of my grandpa's lifted truck and slipped. I screamed while I was falling and landed teeth first on the asphalt. My front teeth crumbled in my mouth and all I could taste was blood and bone."

    His eyes briefly squint like he's picturing it, and I squirm a little in my seat at the intensity of the moment. I'm feeling intimidated and enthralled all at once. I want to go home; I never want to let go of him.
    He offers a charismatic smile and stops my heart when he says, "Now tell me, pretty girl. What has been your most humiliating experience?"

    I suck my bottom lip into my mouth and bite it, hoping the minor pain is enough distraction to keep my face from reddening-- but I doubt it. Pretty Girl. My thoughts bump into the nickname every time I try to find a humiliating story in my mind.
   Pretty girl.
   Pretty girl.

    "I- sorry," I stammer. He does not acknowledge my apology. At the solemn look on his face, I get myself together and think harder. "There was this... thing, that happened to me, and it gets to me sometimes..." I'm starting to choke up already just mentioning it, so I apologize again and say, "You know, it's not really something I wanna talk about."

    Kai tilts his head and pulls his pinky from mine. I feel an overly cold spot on my finger where his had just been and I wished still was. He doesn't seemed bothered by it as he says, "There's a lot of admirable traits one can possess, but courage-- that has to be the most rare. Usually, I'm dead on when I read people; I'd hate to think that I was wrong about you."

    He was giving me a chance to impress him, a do-over to my timorous fuck up. And I'll be damned if I miss it and screw up again. I hold my pinky back out to him and he takes it with a triumphant smile.

    "This shitty thing that happened to me," I began, my voice more steady this time. "One night it was really heavy on my mind, and in a rare moment of vulnerability with Gregory, I told him everything. He listened well enough, but then just... completely dismissed me. Like I'd just told him the weather forecast or something. He did nothing. Still does nothing. He acts like it's not real. And in that moment I just felt... so small. And insignificant. And just stupid for bringing it up. It was truly humiliating."

    There's a strange new look on Kai's face now, and he's completely dropped the interview style questioning as he blurts out, "What?" His pinky loosens, and I take mine away and rest my hands on my lap. "What'd you tell him?" He persists, hardly noticing we aren't connected anymore.

    "I believe your three questions are used up," I say proudly. And he almost looks proud back, like he can't believe he's been bested.

    He shakes his head and takes a bite of a wing, "You'll tell me when you're ready."

    I agree with him in my mind, but refuse to give him that satisfaction out loud yet. By the time I leave the bar & grill, we have another date and time set to meet again. Only this time the address looks residential.

//

    The following day, it takes all my willpower to focus on being present in the moment instead of thinking over everything Kai and I said yesterday. I'm at the mall with my little brother -- a dead mall, cause god forbid he be seen out with his sister -- and we've already hit 3 of the 5 remaining stores. All that's left is a Claire's and some Hallmark store where even the tiniest piece of decor available is over $40. Who keeps them in business is anyone's guest, but I know we won't be going in either store.

    "Aren't you hungry yet?" Jace asks me as we exit Hot Topic. He has a small bag with a few new lip and nose jewelry pieces, and a black tee of a band I've never heard of.

    "Oh, yeah I guess so," I say, only realizing once he'd said the word how hungry I actually was.

    "Alright let's go," he pulls his car keys out of his back pocket. "We can go to the Chipotle by Lacey's if you want."

    I nod, and we head out. The only place available in the mall to eat was a Chick-Fil-A, which was likely the only reason the building got any foot traffic, but also unfortunately fries a lot of their food in peanut oil. Jace had a severe peanut allergy and wouldn't even risk it. The terrifying day we found out, he was only 3 years old and had just tried his first peanut butter and jelly. Now he calls them anaphylactic shock-wiches; no one laughs but him when he says it.

//

    After a large lunch, he drops me back at home where Gregory already sits on the couch as it is his day off. He's gaming, as I suspected he'd be, even though the trash he swore to take out last night still sat tied up in the kitchen stinking the place up. There was a spoon dirtied with yogurt sitting bare on the coffee table in front of him, that I was sure would leave a nice goopy mess for me to clean once it was picked up. I sigh loudly and hang my tiny leather handbag on the coat rack. He doesn't even glance backward at me.

    "How's your day been?" I ask, biting my tongue and deciding to take a peaceful approach.

    "Good," he replies dryly, finally turning to look at me for a split second before returning his attention to the screen. I stand still, waiting and giving him the opportunity to ask how my day was. Or if I found anything nice at the mall, or if anything was new with Jace. Anything. Anything to show he gave a single shit about me and didn't just view me as some NPC that wanders the house cleaning up after him.

    To no one's surprise, he doesn't say a word. Now I kick my shoes off with an attitude.

    "Yeah honey I had a great time, Jace is fine and nothing's new at the mall," I berated.

    He pauses his game and whines, "Sorry." I know he's only saying it because he'd rather avoid this situation, not because he's genuinely sorry.

    "Yeah," is all I say back. "I'll just go tell it to the walls, they'll have the same amount of enthusiasm you would."

    He throws his head back on the couch now, "God, really?"

    "Really."

    "I get one day off a week, I'm trying to relax. I forget to make everything all about you for two minutes and get hit with this."

    I narrow my eyes at him in disbelief, "All about me? Everything in this house and both of our lives revolves around you!"

    "Okay," he says with a sarcastic edge and unpauses his game. I get the urge to stomp over to his gaming system and smash it in half over my knee. And then flip the coffee table and tear my hair out. I'd love to see if even that would get an emotional reaction out of him.
    Instead, I head to the bedroom alone to read and intend to avoid Gregory for the rest of the night. I'm already counting the hours until I meet with Kai again.