ultraviolence // kai anderson

trust me

tw

    We have our best sex after one of both of us have just murdered someone, and the last hour has been no exception. The air around us is thick and smells of our mixed sweat; Kai is all I can taste and feel. We're lying face to face, our still naked bodies entangled beneath the sheets as we silently look over each other's faces. I can't help my bashful grin when he runs a finger slow and adoringly down my cheek, a faint smile appearing on his lips. The weight of the moment is almost too much, in the best way possible: the raw intimacy of it our locked gaze and tender touches, the unspoken confessions of our unconditional love. Right then I decide that best thing I've ever been, is his. He looks like he's about to say something pleasant and heartwarming, but then his expression inexplicably switches to unease.

    "What's wrong?" I inquire right away.

    He breaks eye contact and exhales through his nose when his hand finds mine under the covers. "Do you trust me?"

    "With my life," my reply is immediate and the most genuine of any I've ever given. "Why?"

    He takes a moment before answering, seemingly choosing his next words carefully. "I've been thinking about our talk at Manny's lately," he confesses, reminding me of the bar & grille we first met at after Gregory's party. I think quickly back through the conversation, trying to find anything he might be referring to now that could've upset him. When I come up blank, I shake my head and give a small shrug. He asks, "Do you remember giving me your pinky, what we talked about?"

    I think harder, and come up with the questions he'd asked. It feels like that was a lifetime ago, and at least two personalities ago.
What fills your heart with rage? He'd asked.
Tell me the most physical pain you've ever experienced. He'd ordered.
What has been your most humiliating experience? He pushed.

    "I remember," I say finally. Could something I have said back then become wrong over all this time? Was it correct then, but goes completely against his beliefs now? I have to know, "What did I do?"

    "Nothing baby, nothing," his touch becomes more emphasized, more reassuring than casual. His unusually gentle tone and the nickname he only calls me during these moments softens me completely, and I'm more relaxed instantly. "It's the last question I asked you, once I'd already asked my three."

    The last question? I was sure I'd correctly remembered all he'd asked me, but honestly that moment was completely taken over by the fact that he'd just called me pretty girl for the first time. I was on cloud nine, far above the ability to form important memories like the one Kai needs me to recall now. He must see the bewilderment on my face, because he soon clarifies, "You told me your most humiliating experience was telling Gregory something that took a lot of courage to tell him, only to be invalidated and shut down."

    My stomach flips as I nod, because I remember now, and know what's coming next.

    "I asked you what you told him, and you told me I was out of questions. And I was," he's still not looking at me, which I find uncharacteristically meek, but am thankful for nonetheless. My throat is already tightening, and I don't think the pressure of his dark gaze would help me any. I breathe in and out through my nose as he speaks, "And I said something like, you'll tell me when you're ready. I guess I just thought you'd have told me by now."

    There's a sincerity in his voice that promises he's not intentionally trying to guilt me, only speaking his thoughts as they come. I can appreciate that, and of course, he's right. I trust him enough for anything, so I can tell him this thing. This one shitty, haunting thing that's happened to me, seemingly twice over with how Gregory responded. Finally I look him in the eye, and he must catch it in his peripheral because he's soon looking right back at me, a caring and patient expression on his face.