ultraviolence // kai anderson

new religion

    My therapist's office is a relatively small one: there's a computer desk shoved in the far front corner, two beige leather chairs against the back wall, and a shelf to the left full of fake plants and tiny plaques that say things like "You got this."

    I've been seeing Anita every other week for nearly a year now-- I still can't tell whether or not it seems to make a difference; and god knows I won't get any praise or recognition for it at home if I have changed.

    "Hi y/n," she says finally as we both get comfortable in our seats. "How have you been feeling this week?"

    I cross my legs and think over the last seven days, none of them standing out to me as especially exciting or any more dull than usual. I take the liberty of extending her question to the last two weeks, and now I have something to work with. "Actually," I begin, a smile forming as I speak. "I think I've found something that brings me genuine joy. And excitement. It's refreshing 'cause everything else in my day to day is so uninteresting and just plain lonely."

    "That's great!" She encourages and nods, then asks gently, "This thing isn't harming yourself or others, right?"

    I almost laugh as I shake my head and say no. But after I've said it, I think that maybe if Gregory knew, it could be harming others-- good thing he didn't and never would. "No it's not really an action," I clarify. "Maybe more like an idea, a sense of belonging. It's... something that slipped through my fingers a long time ago, but now it feels like it's within reach again."

    "Then I'm happy for you! If you don't mind me asking, and without judgment one way or the other," she starts, and grabs at her cross necklace. "Is it- have you found religion?"

    I think over the word. I go back and forth with its definition in my head, thinking of Kai. He does have my faith, my admiration, and my desire to always be in his presence. I picture him looking down at me as I kneel before him, and an involuntary smile spreads over my face.

    "Yes," I answer. "I think I have."

//

    Three more days drag by, and finally, it's time to meet with Kai again at the address that is certainly a house. The idea of being somewhere private with him rather than a crowded public place puts flutters in my stomach. It's currently 6pm, and I'm leaving the house after putting lids on the pots and pans of dinner I've made for Gregory. He thinks I'm off to a movie with Addison, because that's the cover story I've given him. Just to be safe, I tell him we might grab some sort of dessert afterward; I'm hoping I can squeeze in being gone for just over three hours.

    As I approach the address, I think to park my car a few houses down. I'm not sure what feels so entirely wrong about this-- we haven't even done anything to be ashamed of. Just a girl going out with an old teenage friend, and that friend happens to be her husband's cousin. It'd just be weirder to announce, right? Right. I finished my paranoid rationalizing after I've knocked on the door, and a ginger with a sort of pixie cut and no more than five feet tall answers.

    "Oh," I see immediately, then double check my phone while their coffee colored eyes watch me. "I-Is this not the right house?"

    "No, it likely is," they say, and I stop fidgeting. "You're y/n right?"

    "Yes, that's me." Who is this person?

    They step to the side without another word, but still keeping a mannerly smile, to let me inside. I enter the house and am pleasantly surprised that Kai lives nothing like his cousin. There's decor on the walls, a utensil jar in the kitchen, pillows on the living room couch-- and not to mention, no gaming system anywhere in sight. He's organized, which I didn't exactly expect.
I follow the person who opened the door for me down some less aesthetically-pleasing basement stairs. They could use a good sweep and finish and entire replacement.