Fragments Of Love Series Part 2: Healing Love [ SandRay - Only Friends ]

Love You - Until You Love Yourself

"Dr. Ayan, are there any books you could recommend that would help me understand Ray's illnesses a little better?" Sand sat in the treatment room of the therapy practice. Dr. Ayan nodded and then rummaged through a drawer. He placed two books in front of sand.

He took the first book and looked at it. "I hate you - Don't leave me? Is this how people like Ray feel?" He asked and began to leaf through the book.

"Sometimes people with this illness can feel exactly like that. They live in extremes. But there can also be phases in which you feel nothing at all except an inner emptiness." Dr. Ayan smiled at Sand. "I give you credit for wanting to learn to understand, Ray."

"I think he just needs someone he can rely on at the moment. His friends are very busy with themselves. Top and Mew are trying to build their life together and plan their wedding, and Black has completely different problems." Sand took the other book. "When Hope Is Not Enough, the title sounds like it could describe my relationship with Ray," he murmured.

"It is a book that I would really recommend to relatives of borderline sufferers." Dr. Ayan leaned back in his chair. "But I hope you don't get too carried away with this topic. I know that you have a tendency to put your problems aside or to occupy your mind with something else so that you don't have to think about your own problems." Sand felt caught.

"I know, and I'm trying to work on that," he mumbled.

"We talked about your past with Boeing last time. I told you to write down your feelings and think about the situations in which you are reminded of this relationship. Have you thought of that?" Sand swallowed hard, just hearing his ex-boyfriend's name sent a cold shiver down his spine.

"I wrote it down," Sand took his bag and opened it, took out a piece of paper and placed it on the table in front of him.

"Would you like to read me a few points?" Dr. Ayan watched his patient's body language closely. Sand nodded and picked up the paper again.

"I'm most reminded of him when I run into Top, which is quite often since he's in my current friend group. But I'm working on it, Top and I get along relatively well now, and I don't want to ruin that again." Sand read another item on his list. "Certain smells and voice tones also bring back memories of him. I can no longer listen to one of my favorite music groups, Arctic Monkeys, because of him, as we always listened to them together. It's hard to avoid these things. It seems to me as if there could be triggers lurking around every corner. Some days it feels like I'm going crazy." Dr. Ayan wrote something down in his book.

"Have your flashbacks and general state of trauma gotten worse since your drug escapade?" He wanted to know. Sand had to think about it.

"I would say yes. I had the problem before with my anger issues, and nightmares, I couldn't trust anyone. But I didn't really have any flashbacks or major problems in that regard. Except I attract people who might not necessarily be good for me." Sand had to laugh at himself. "Apparently I'm doomed to fall in love with people who see me as a second option and who don't care enough about me." He ran his hand through his hair.

"That's not it Sand." Dr. Ayan gave him a confident smile. "You have a strong sense of helping people, which is good, but in many situations you don't realize that you shouldn't or can't help everyone. And like I said before, you need to put yourself first more often."

"I prioritized myself a few days ago." Sand looked up and saw Dr. Ayan gently smiling at him. "I told Ray that I couldn't stay with him at the Only Friends Stay because it all happened too quickly for me and I still want to protect my feelings at the moment." Dr. Ayan's face lit up.

"I'm very proud of you Sand. You pointed out boundaries and didn't let yourself be talked into something you felt like wasn't good for you at that moment. I can imagine that this must have been very difficult for you, especially since it was Ray who asked." Sand nodded in agreement.