Forgetting the Apocalypse

55. Adjusting

Kailee's Pov*

Roone wasn't kidding when he told me about this phantom limb thing. I mean I've heard about in passing when I was in the hospitals for my... for some appointments that my brother had. Most had said the exact same thing. The most annoying part was trying to scratch an itch that didn't exist. If I thought my palm being itchy was bad this was a hundred times worst because there was nothing I could do to relieve it. That's when I would go crazy in more than one way. I would become so flustered in trying to scratch something that was not there that I would want to break down and cry. Then I would realize that I should be grateful that I didn't lose the entire arm. That I am still alive.

Then I would feel this overwhelming guilt that I was trying to be grateful that I still had my life when my baby brother was dead. That led me to sob uncontrollably until Riva would do everything he could to try and console me. He didn't really say anything, he just held me as I soaked his shoulder with my tears.

When I would finally calm down, I felt the itch in my arm again. It was such a fucking bullshit cycle I had no clue how to end.

I felt like such a failure. I promised my parents that I would always look after him. Always protect him and I failed. There was no one to blame really, no matter how much easier it would have been to do so. I had to drill it into Riva's skull that I didn't blame him in any way and even then I'm not entirely sure he believes me. I want to blame myself but every time I play what happened in my mind I see nothing I could have done differently though I know I shouldn't be doing such a thing because it wasn't going to bring him back.

I sure as hell wasn't even going to blame little Jack for his leash getting caught. If it wasn't for their leashes being tied to the bars then we would have been stuck with no way out. Then for sure we would have been burning and eaten alive.

It was just like I said. Shit happens and doing this was a sure way to drive me crazy. Instead, I tried to keep my mind off the two things that brought me pain. In order to do that, I asked Mara to teach me more about hunting. I have to admit that I lost some of the things she had taught me. I wanted a refresher. Certain things I knew I wouldn't be able to do but other stuff I could handle just fine.

I'll be honest, that led to many other breakdowns. I could no longer hold my rifle, so first thing I was taught was how to handle a pistol. We never fired it mind you so we wouldn't attract any attention, but I did practice with it so that whenever I did need it, I knew how to use it. The only thing I prayed was that I could handle the recoil with just one hand. Another issue was that I used to help her clean out whatever she had hunted. By help out I mean one time but still. Trying to hold down the carcass while peeling back the fur and cutting all the right places with a knife in your hand and only one hand was a lot harder than I thought.

So I couldn't hunt and I couldn't gut and clean. I thought that maybe then I could just gather some other stuff. Berries, fruits, sticks for our fires or anything else that might be useful. I swear I've never heard or used that word more than I have since I've joined this family.

Useful.

Not even sure, how useful I am now?

"Kailee? You still with me?" her voice pulling out of the rabbit hole I just went down. 

I tried to smile, "I'm gonna be honest with you, I heard nothing you just said. Even though I was looking at you this entire time."

I wasn't sure how genuine my smile looked but it was enough for her to smile back at me and avoid the last question that anyone who is hurt or going through something wants to hear, no matter how sincere they're being. Which is one of the many other reasons why I love Mara. Don't get me wrong, the guys are amazing. They're loyal, protective, funny and kind and just awesome to be around. If the apocalypse never happened, I know I would have still hung out with them if we met. However, they are talkers. No, I don't mean it in the bad way like I don't like conversations. I just mean it that, just like Mara, when something happens I prefer to be in silence.

Not out of denial or tryign to hide. Well I can't really speak for Mara but that's not it for me. For me, ever since the first hospital visit with my brother, I was the strong one. I was my mother's shoulder to cry on, my father's helper with anything he needed and with Boaz I was his nurse, his best friend. His big sister. When I had to take a break to feel everything or just do something for myself, I did it alone. I was not about to be a burden to my family when they had to deal with so much already.

I didn't do it because I needed to keep up this strong persona. I did it because while being strong and helping other, everything was so damn loud. It was like combining every port with a full football stadium mixed with a fourth of july in my head. Being alone was the only time I could get enough piece and quiet to sort through all my thoughts and feelings without having them reach a boiling point as most tragically do.

So being in Mara's company was a new type of comfort. I was able to be in my silence but I wasn't alone. She didn't make me talk or ask me any questions but I knew that I could talk to her if I needed it. Perfect combo.

"Walk me through it again. Please?" I ask her.

"Sure thing hon, from the top. So the trickiest thing is going to be the blender. Obviously even if we had one that we could hook up to solar power, the noise might draw in too much attention but we'll find a way to cross that bridge. Now, I read that you could use any fruit you want, just add a little bit of honey or granulated sugar. Fredi says he knows how to make a soil oven so when the time comes he can show us how to do it. Our main job is to look for fruits we want, vegetations, parchment or plastic wraps, stones but not any river or stream stones and some fire wood."

She ran down the list in her head just to be sure that she didn't miss anything. It sure wasn't going to fix all our, my problems but it did provide a nice distraction. I've never had fruit leather before and I'm pretty excited to try it.