To Keep You

The Thorns Of The Heart

I felt so cold, it was the kind of cold that formed within. As if a snowstorm was raging within the walls of your frozen heart. It was the kind of storm that had been building since your heart stopped beating.

My eyes narrowed over Aniela's unearthly form, "Tell me I'm stupid," my lips pulled up as I were going to growl but then remembered I wasn't a wolf and settled them into a deep frown, "Tell me I'm a fool! A heartless b---h if you will!" My voice rose with each word and as a flock of doves burst into the sky from a nearby tree, it did little to calm my tone down.

Aniela's eyes flared with sadness and shock, "I would never speak such words to you!" Her own voice rising higher than her pervious school-teacher tone.

For an odd reason the switch in her tones only angered me more, "Why? Because Miss-little-perfect can't handle the truth about who I am?" I wanted to laugh but also scream, "Well guess what, I'm not some princess in need of saving!"

I wanted to feel bad about yelling at her, but I couldn't. My heart was frozen, yet it housed many thorns.

"I don't have the words you want to hear," Tears were overflowing from her eyes as she stood only feet away from me, "But God loves you, He loves you so much Chaya!"

Her words lit a fire within my body that threw me into a fit of rage. "Ugh!!!!" My hands fisted in my hair and my eyes squeezed shut, "Would you just stop with the love bullsh-t! Ok! Why does everyone have to try and convince me that some man in the sky loves me!? Huh?! Do you think those words are going to magically fix me!?"

I was like a rabid bull; my feet began pacing and I could feel my heart beating faster. This wasn't natural, it wasn't natural to be forsaken on your aunt's doorstep at the age of three, it wasn't natural to have a best friend who was murdered, it wasn't natural to witness your aunt dying of cancer at the age of eight, and it certainly wasn't natural to be seeing angels in your dreams.

But I guess that's me, Chaya Spring the most un-natural woman in the world. Want to escape death? Become me. Want to have everyone you love die? Become me. And want your child and husband to die within months of each other? Become me!

I'm just one big walking survivor, that death won't take.

However cold it was within the garden, the air in my lungs felt hot, heavy even. Breathing felt like a chore, and I couldn't even remember a time when it didn't. I wanted to lie to myself that even when I, myself was a full-blooded Christian that I was happy. But I suppose I wasn't, I was just so blindly in love with God that He never allowed me to see the pain that I was mindlessly handing over to Him. I wanted to say I hated myself for it, for giving away my pain but I just couldn't be angry. I couldn't even try to be angry that God protected me. Yes, I have a million reasons to hate Him and I'm sure He has ten million reasons to hate me, but He doesn't and the confusion from that only angers me because why love me!? Why out of MILLIONS of perfect people, He wants the one woman who hates Him! Even death doesn't want me, but God does! Make it make sense!

My feet came to a stop as I slowly raised my head to look upon Aniela, "If He loves me, then why did He allow for everyone I loved to die." It wasn't question; I was beyond done with questions. This was a demand.

Her eyes were filled with tears and yet shined like pure crystals. Unashamed of her emotional state, she allowed her tears to slip down her cheeks, "Not everything that happens in this world is done by God's will." Her words were spoken on a soft wind as she softly looked upon me, "Sometimes God allows things to happen to us to show us nothing is perfect, including life. We don't get to choose who we are, but we can choose how we are."